We hope you've stocked up on chocolate, condoms and lube, 'cause Valentine's Day is upon us. With a little bit of preparation and persuasion, you'll be well on your way to using at least one of those goodies, maybe two. Only those well trained in the art of love get to utilize all three.
To guide you on your romantic excursion, we've created a list of songs that you should avoid playing for your lover at all costs. Only use these songs if you're absolutely sure that you've had enough of your Valentine, and to gorge on all of that chocolate and lube yourself.
10. Barenaked Ladies - "One Week"
This song will kill the passion quicker than you can say "Chinese chicken." Go ahead. Try and get laid with this playing in the background.
9. Usher - "Confessions Part 2"
Your lover's heart will drop hard the moment they realize you're on part two of a three-part confession. The first part will be a blow, but wait... There's more?! By the time you get started on part three, they're already lighting your undies on fire on the front lawn.
8. Tina Turner - "What's Love Got to Do With It"
Valentine's Day is also the perfect moment to dump someone, if you want to be a complete asshole. What better way to end a relationship than by telling your special someone that you're not interested in investing in them emotionally? After, you can sock 'em in the eye and piss on their cat on the way out the door.
7. Mr. Big - "To Be With You"
This is the ultimate beta male anthem. Everyone has that friend that lurks in the background of a relationship, watching, waiting for their chance to pounce. This is the tune they're playing on Valentine's Day for your disgusted girlfriend. There's plenty of fish in the sea, bro.
6. Janet Jackson - "What Have You Done For Me Lately"
The question is, Janet, what have you done for yourself lately? Maybe everything, if your boyfriend's a total piece of lazy poo. Play this song if you want to make it clear to your partner that they're useless. "No Scrubs" is also acceptable in this song's stead.
5. Enrique Iglesias - "Escape"
If you really want to creep out your significant other, tell them that they can never escape your love, no matter where they run or hide. That, or do your own post-coital version of the weird, constipated, yelping at the end of this Iglesias classic.
4. Black Eyed Peas - "My Humps"
Remember when this song was hot? Neither do we. What we do remember is the last time anyone wanted to get love-drunk off of Fergie's lumps: Never.
3. Limp Bizkit - "My Way"
Hard to tell if your Valentine will be more offended that you have so much pent up aggression or that you just dedicated a song to them by Limp Bizkit. Durst isn't even trying to work things out at this point. He's basically had it with his lover's malarkey and throwing out ultimatums left and right. Don't be that guy.
2. Crazy Town - "Butterfly"
There's no faster way to get asked when you were last tested than by playing "Butterfly." It's smarmy, pretentious, and repulsive, which would usually work in your favor if you're a dude. However, we must ask you to resist. If not for the sake of your own ears, then for the sake of ours.
1. The Golden Girls theme song
Don't get us wrong, we love us some Golden Girls. But "let's just be friends" is right up there with "it's not you, it's me." If "friendship" is how your Valentine defines their relationship with you, then forget the chocolates, get yourself a whole cheesecake, and devour.
The song that makes every bad day worse.