Top 10 Black Metal Songs for This Blackest of Fridays

As hoards of consumers move to rape, pillage, and assault the retail world of its wares (and the nerves of the poor, unfortunate souls of its employ) we are sitting here, in our elastic waistband-equipped pants, pondering the ugliness that "door-busters" and "deep, deep discounts" can bring out in the masses. Our thoughts wander to the Black Friday protests being waged by Wal-Mart employees this year, the headlines of shopping related deaths in years past, and all of the generally deplorable behavior people display around this time of year to save a few bucks on consumer electronics. 

But the truth of the matter is that our economy still needs a boost, and rather than decry the horrors of holiday-special warfare, we prefer to offer some sonics to our readership to give you the violent edge you're going to need while throwing elbows and cutting lines today. So, grab a cup of (black) coffee and whatever scant few shreds remain of this year's dignity, fire up the family trvckster and roll out with the speakers melting -- here is your Blackest of Fridays black metal playlist.

10. 1349 - "Perished in Pain" 
Fast, Norwegian, and pissed. This band took their name from the year the bubonic plague reached Norway. 

9. God Seed - "Carving a Giant" 
This is a Gorgoroth song played by most of Gorgoroth under the name God Seed, which was adopted after a lawsuit that resulted from the departure of founding member Infernus. This performance features what is in our opinion, the ideal set for a black metal performance. The numbers circulating the web claim around 80 liters of goat's blood were utilized here. If you aren't compelled to chug a 2 liter of Mountain Dew and attack a mall cop around the 2 minute mark, you should check your pulse. 

8. Immortal - "Noctambulant" 
Immortal rules. They're also one of the only Norwegian Black Metal bands that does not take itself too seriously, particularly main man Abbath, who is hilarious in just about every interview he has ever done. 

7. Mayhem - "Deathcrush" 
Mayhem, on the other hand, took things very seriously. The band's singer, named Dead in an entirely un-ironic fortune telling, killed himself in 1991. His corpse was discovered by guitarist, Euronymous, who proceeded to take photos of the corpse (later stolen and used as the cover to a live bootleg) and (allegedly) make a stew of Dead's brain bits and necklaces of his skull fragments. This band was also linked to a series of infamous church burnings in the early '90s. 

6. Emperor - "With Strength I Burn" 
Emperor is another band from the early Norwegian black metal scene, and several members in this band have also been incarcerated for church burnings, murder, and other oddball shit that happens when you live in a really cold place and hate literally everything on the planet. 

Emperor's music is a bit more technically complex than most of its peer's work. The glue that holds this band together, guitarist/vocalist Ihsahn, wears glasses and teaches music in Norway, and claims to have had no involvement in the burnings. 

5. Marduk - "With Satan and Victorious Weapons"
What Marduk lacks in wild band history they make up for in intense sounds. There is simply something to this band's violent bursts of blasphemy that other bands in the genre kind of lack. Quick! Sale on a knife set!

4. Dissection - "Soulreaper" 
Murder conviction? Check. Involvement in a magical Satanic cult bent on bringing forth an "endless dark aeon?" Check. Suicide, complete with satanic Bible found next to the corpse? Check. Dissection was the real deal. Not like how Rick Ross raps about selling drugs and shit, like, these guys fucking did it. We're not saying anyone should do any of those horrible things, but we are saying you should break into the manager's office at Sears and play this track over the speakers today.  

3. Burzum - "Jesu Dod" 
Burzum's Varg Vilkernes has been referred to as the most infamous metal musician on the planet. Remember Euroynmous from a few bands back? Vilkernes (known as Count Grishnackh) stabbed him in the head and went to prison for 21 years. He was also convicted of arson for burning three churches. The band is considered an extremely important part of the black metal tapestry, and Vilkernes even released some very interesting "dark ambient" records from prison, made only with synths as he was not given access to more rockin' gear. 

2. Bathory - "War Machine" 
Bathory is to the black metal genre what Black Sabbath is to doom metal. Influential in both sonics and imagery, this band is a little more palatable for the average fan of metal that might not be quite ready for the extreme and lo-fi nature of a lot of black metal. We suggest you do donuts in the parking lot of Sam's Club with this sucker running at full-blast. Bonus points if you drive a hearse or monster truck. 

1. Behemoth - "Slaves Shall Serve" 
The black metal superfan gestapo will undoubtedly cry foul on our use of a Behemoth song as they are technically considered a "blackened" death-metal band. However, they wear the "panda paint," and this song is way too intense to leave off the list. You should play this one at full volume on your boom-box as you run through Target and knock things off shelves!

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