Due to complaints that America's favorite fall reality show, The Presidential Debates, has been taking too damned long, broadcasters have taken editorial liberties with some rather crucial interactions among the nominees. Though they've kept discussion on trivial topics like the economy and foreign policy, it seems one of the most pertinent questions regarding the candidates' characters has been left to the cutting-room floor: What's on their Spotify playlists?
Never fear, however, as the investigative reporters here at New Times have recovered the discarded transcripts revealing how candidates have addressed this pressing question — because we think Americans have the right to know.
Moderator: ...Thank you for those lovely insults, Mr. Trump. Now, all of America would like to know, what's on your Spotify playlists? We'll start with the Republican Ben Carson.
Ben Carson [sleeping]: [Zzzzz]
Moderator: Dr. Carson?
Carson: [Yawn] There's lots of music I listen to. [Yawn] When I'm feeling tired, I like to listen to "Ben" by Michael Jackson. When I'm getting on an airplane and I need some rest, I put on Elton John's "Benny and the Jets." And then when I'm running low on Ambien, I put on "Ben Carson Should Be the Leader of the Free World" by Eshanthika Wijesinha.
Moderator: Dr. Carson, I can find no proof that song or artist even exist. Did you just make that up?
Ben Carson [sleeping]: [Zzzzzzz]
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Moderator: We'll move on to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. What songs are on your Spotify?
Hillary Clinton: As you know, Bill and I have a deep love for Fleetwood Mac.
Moderator: Yes, who can forget his campaign song in 1992 was "Don't Stop"?
Clinton: Do you think that makes me sound too old? The polls all said America wants something familiar. Don't they? If they want something new and fresh, I can also like Taylor Swift. Good ol' T-Swizzle. But that doesn't make me sound tough enough, does it? I like that new Drake song "Hotline Bling." But wait, he's Canadian, and America should come first. What is it you want me to like?
Carly Fiorina: This is exactly why if America is looking for a first female president, they should look at me. I know what I like and when I like it. When I was getting fired as CEO of Hewlett Packard, I enjoyed listening to Eminem's "Lose Yourself." When I spent record amounts of cash and still lost an election for a Senate seat in California, I listened to "Can't Buy Me Love." But whenever I need to show emotion, I listen to "Mr. Roboto" by Styx, because whether you like it or not, robots have feelings too. We... I mean they have feelings too.
Moderator: Thank you for that, Mrs. Fiorina. Next, we have Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders: You want to talk music? The 1 percent has all the money and you want to talk music? I don't have time for music.
Moderator: Could you at least try to answer the question?
Sanders: I know what I don't like. I don't like the music of Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burns.
Moderator: Is there any music you do like?
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Sanders: If you must know, once in a while, I do the Nae Nae dance to Silento.
Moderator: We were going to ask Marco Rubio this question, but he didn't show up so finally, we have Mr. Trump.
Donald Trump: First off, let me tell you you made a huge mistake — huge mistake — talking to these other idiots when you could have been talking to me. I could listen all day to The Wall by a good friend of mine, Pink Floyd. We do need another brick in the wall on the border, and we need to make the Mexican government pay for it. Second, we really don't need no education. I went to college. A complete waste of time. Anything you need to know you can learn from my book The Art of the Deal.