Ah. Gators fans.
They smell. They're loud. They drink cheap beer. They love to wear jorts. They love mullets.
And they're set to invade Sun Life Stadium for the big showdown with the Hurricanes on Saturday afternoon like an orange STD, infecting every crevice of South Florida like a horde of toothless, insufferable zombies.
Members of the Gayterrr Naytion are the worst.
How bad are they?
Let us count the ways...
Here are 18 reasons why Gator fans are the absolute worst:
Because of That Godawful Gator Chomp
It's like a horde of troglodytic halfwits who don't know how to applaud properly. DERRR CHOMP CLAP.
Lookit! Ahm imitayten a gater'z mawth with mah armz!
Because They Act Like Imbeciles When They Win
It's never enough that the Gators win a game. Their fans have to YELL it at everyone within earshot between sips on moonshine and makeout sessions with their cousin that the Gators are the greatest football team in the history of everything.
Because They Act Like Imbeciles When They Lose
In 1980, the Canes kicked a field goal to run up the score against UF. Gator fans proceeded to throw oranges at the Miami players and coaches on the sidelines. Because apparently, only the GATERZ are allowed to run up the score, like Steve Spurrier and Urban Meyer did EVERY FUCKING CHANCE THEY COULD. Or the infamous "Gator Flop" game against Miami in 1971.
Because 99.999% of Gator Fans Have No Idea What "The Gator Flop" Game Is...
....Because Most Gator "Fans" Didn't Exist Before the 1990s
What's that? The Gators were a football team before Tim Tebow played? WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY? I've been a die-hard, live and breathe Gater fan since 12 years ago!
Because of This Kind of Shit Written by Actual Paid Journalists
The beloved Ol' Ball Coach who helped us win our first national championship now competes against us in the same division! Teams from Mississippi actually beat us once in awhile! Auburn always gets all the calls!
Auburn always gets all the calls! TEBOW FORBID that we actually lose a game legitimately!
But we don't need another instate rival, even one that is fond of calling us hillbillies (we're from Fort Lauderdale and Tampa and Orlando, not Arkansas or Kentucky).
We're not Arkansas hillbillies. We're Tampa hillbillies. Which means we're toothless inbred mongoloids, but with tans.
Because They Blindly Support Accused Murderers
AARON HERNANDEZ MAY HAVE SHOT A GUY IN THE FACE AND COMMITTED OTHER ATROCITIES, BUT HIS BRICK SHOULD REMAIN BECAUSE GATER NASHION.
Because of This Guy
And This Guy
And This Guy
Because of Unearned Arrogance
THREE CHAMPIONSHIPS DOESN'T MAKE YOU GOD'S CHOSEN FOOTBALL TEAM, YOU INBRED DILDOS.
Because Visors. So Many Visors.
Derrr the ole Bawl Coach wore em, so we will tooooo becawwwse they look good wit our jorts!
Visors. It's like the fanny pack for your face.
Because... Ryan Lochte
Of course the biggest douche to ever wear Olympic gold is a Gator.
If there was ever a dude who embodied the über-obnoxiousness douche sack of Gater Nation, it's this unbearable dipshit.
It's as if God said, "I need to create a human representative for those insufferable assholes." BOOM. LOCHTE.
Because They Call Their Stadium The Swamp
Because nothing says football like a wet, muggy, vile, disgusting piece of shit land that smells like a whorehouse. Swamps are the taint of the Earth. They're wet. They're hot. They stink. And they're unpleasant in every way. So actually, The Swamp is the perfect name for Gater Nation to inhabit.
Because of Their Insufferable Lack of Self-Awareness
The Gater Nation LOVES to talk up the Nevin Shapiro scandal. But it conveniently fails to remember that 44 Gator players have been arrested since 2005, which is an NCAA record.
Because They Still Refuse to Admit That the Gators Have Always Been Afraid to Play the Hurricanes
Never forget: The Gators chose to end their annual game against the Canes during the peak of Miami's dominance in the '80s. COINCIDENCE? No.
And they recently did it again when UF athletic director Jeremy Foley gave some cockamamie "financial" reason the Gators won't be playing Miami again for a while following Saturday's game.
BECAUSE THEY WORSHIP THIS FUCKING GUY
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.