The 2014 Miami Dolphins season is well underway! And while lots of other sites will be breaking down each game, and list reasons why the Dolphins will or won't win, while analyzing players, coaches, and match-ups against their respective opponent week to week, we won't.
Not us. Not here. Instead, we're focusing on why every week's opponent has the worst fanbase in all the NFL.
This week, the 1-0 Dolphins are set to play the division-rival Buffalo Bills on Sunday in Orchard Park.
Here are 9 reasons why their fans are the worst:
9. Because Their Stadium Is the Worst The Buffalo Bills play in Ralph Wilson Stadium, the most decrepit stadium in the NFL. There was supposedly some "renovations" done. And by "renovations," they mean that they added more restrooms for the fans to shit in the urinals.
The major selling point to the new renovations are that the food will be better. Because, if you haven't noticed, most Buffalo Bills fans look like Rob Ford (who is, shockingly, a Bills fan) who suck deep-fried processed artery clogging food into their face holes by the bucket-load. "Improved" food at Ralph Wilson Stadium also likely means it now has 18 percent less rat shit on it.
8. Because They Behave Like Drunken Baffoons Ralph Wilson Stadium is an open stadium in the middle of the coldest area in the northeast. This team practically plays in Canada. And when it snows, which is EVERY GOD DAMN DAY, the bleachers get covered in snow and watching games becomes insufferably uncomfortable. And yet, there's always some drunk fat shirtless asshole or two that paint their hairy bellies with that stupid logo to show you what a man he is.
Bills fans have always been known for their heavy drinking during games. They've gotten so out of hand with their drunken buffoonery, one guy fell over the handrail of the 300 section onto the fans below (he was later charged with assault).
And here's one report from a 2013 Grantland article about Bills fans:
"Here's the stat sheet from November 15, 2012, at Ralph Wilson Stadium: 94 ejections; 55 traffic tickets; 28 arrests (18 inside the stadium; 10 outside, including two DWIs); quadruple the average number of ambulance requests for the sick and injured; two dead football fans."
A writer (and Bills fan) who once visited every NFL stadium wrote that there was not a single fanbase that got more trashed than Bills fans. And why not? If you had to cheer for this perennially shit-stain of a team AND live in sub-actic conditions all year round, you'd hit the sauce pretty damn heavy too.
7. Because They Need To Be Publicly Shamed In Order Not To Behave Like Drunken Baffoons That's right. Bills fans are such drunken assholes it's a matter of record. In 2008, the Wall Street Journal reported that the Bills organization would simply and continually fail to "control some of the worst-behaving fans in all of sports."
So, in order to quell their drunken buffoonery, Bills officials decided to publish the names of some of the worst Bills fans in the local paper, in a sort of public shaming to have them stop drinking and acting like complete assholes during games.
Needless to say, it hasn't really worked.
6. Because They Hang On to The Four-Straight Super Bowl Appearances Thing Like Grim Death Man do Bills fans LOVE bringing up the time their team went to four-straight Super Bowls in the early 90s. Now, admittedly, Dolphins fans do love to bring up ancient history of their own, particularly when the last unbeaten team loses every season. The 1972 Perfect Season team is the one last pathetic thing Fins fans cling to.
That being said, it's one thing to hang on to a 40-year old team that has done something no other team has ever done in the history of the league. But we're talking a whole other level of wretched pathetic-ness to constantly point to your most glorious years as that time your team made the Super Bowl four times in a row, and failed to win a single one.
Also, aside from Jim Kelly, their other sole all-time franchise super star was a dude who got away with murdering his wife.5. Because They Have Their Own Version Of The Lambeau Leap And It's So, So Sad
Bills players like to jump into the crowd, ala Packers players at Lambeau Field, after scoring touchdowns. But, where the Lambeau Leap is a long-running football tradition, the Ralph Wilson Stadium leap is just sad.
Also, it's our theory that the players are just trying to embrace themselves in the collective bodily/booze warmth emanating from the crowd. Because, Buffalo is stupid cold, you see.
4. Because They Cheer For A Team That Treats Their Cheerleaders Like Shit It's bad enough having to be a cheerleader in an insanely cold-weather city, and do it in front of shirtless overweight drunkards.
But the Bills take the suffering of cheerleaders up a notch by handing their ladies a handbook on how to keep their vaginas clean.
An excerpt from said-handbook, via Deadspin:
"When menstruating, use a product that [sic] right for your menstrual flow. A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus. A product left in too long can cause bacteria or fungus build up. Products can be changed at least every 4 hours. Except when sleeping, they can be left in for the night."
The handbook goes on to make the cheerleaders sheeple, handing down stringent do's and don'ts on how to act.
And it gets worse. The Bills' cheerleaders have basically stopped cheerleading after former cheerleaders filed a lawsuit claiming they were underpaid and mistreated by the team.
Part of their complaint included working long hours and being subjected to sexual harassment, including having to take a "jiggle" test in front of their boss.
Stay classy, Bills.
3. Because Of This Guy
Yup. That's a tattoo of former Bills-great O.J. Simpson's mugshot after he allegedly killed those people.
2. And This Guy
1. Annnnd This Guy
Game Prediction: Miami 28 - Buffalo 13
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