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Bacon-Dominated America Now Fattest of All-Time

It has long been known that Americans are No. 1 in the world for such things as figuring out new uses for bacon, reinventing potato skins as a fat-filled appetizer, and supplying the rest of the world with neck-down fat people footage for news stories about obesity. But now a researcher at Florida Atlantic University in Boca has determined that we are likely THE FATTEST NATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD! Woo hoo, we're No. 1 -- FOR ALL TIME! Oh man, I just almost choked on my bacon hamburger fatty melt while yelling that.

This report by Dr. Charles Hennekens looked at data of nearly 900,000 subjects from 57 different studies over a 40-year period to figure out that the average American can just about no longer fit through the average door frame. You know what that means? WOO HOO, we're soon to be No. 1 for the biggest door frames!

There is one major downside to this study, and it's found right at the top in this editor's note:

Around the world, increasing body-mass index (BMI) is a major public concern. Rightly so, according to this international collaborative analysis of almost 1 million people, followed from middle age in 57 prospective studies. A J-shaped mortality curve is observed, with optimal survival at a BMI of 22•5-25 kg/m2. Above this range, mortality from several causes--especially vascular diseases--was increased. Moderate obesity (BMI 30-35) was associated with 3 years' loss of life. People with extreme obesity (BMI 40-50) lost 10 years of life, equivalent to the years lost by lifetime smoking.

If I'm understanding Dr. Charles Hennekens' voodoo writing correctly, that means the only people from Generation X, Y, and Z who will survive to spend their twilight years eating bacon hamburger melts at TooJay's are the skinny ones. If eating this second bacon melt here means I'm shaving 10 years off my life, then so be it, because I for one don't want to live in a world where I can't serve as a waddling fat person for the sake of TV news obesity reports.

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton

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