Charlie Crist Throws Extremely Republican "Party"

Charlie Crist does not know the meaning of the word "party." I'm not just talking about his running for Governor as a Republican, and State Senator as an Independent and then, finally, for Governor again as a Democrat. Whatever. Switching things up is exciting. In contrast, his primary victory celebration last night at the Hyatt in Fort Lauderdale was mind-bogglingly boring.

First off, what was with the spread? All party-goers had to pick over was an array of cheese, a fan of Ritz crackers, a bowl of Craisins™ and some sad-looking vegetables. The booze didn't exactly flow, uh, liberally. By that we mean the cheapest cocktail was $8. Never trust a temperate man, and never trust a politician who forces people to be temperate by only serving prohibitively expensive drinks. Were you expecting hecklers?

See also: Charlie Crist Primary Victory Party at the Hyatt in Fort Lauderdale (Slideshow)

It's like, dude, you've raised $22,200,000 so far between campaign contributions, the state's funding-matching program and whatever your political committee, Charlie Crist for Florida has been able to collect from private donators. In contrast, your opponent only scrounged together less than a million.

But Nan Rich still had popcorn chicken at her campaign headquarters opening. People loved that shit. Not to mention the free wine. All of this is to say: Compared to your get-together, hers was practically a bacchanal. Given that she's a 72-year-old lady and you are a former fraternity president, that is sort of embarrassing. Would a keg have been so uncouth? Radishes and gouda does not a party make. Spend the political cheese on something non-dairy next time.

But enough about the refreshments -- it's the people who make a party. Unless they don't. And between the aspiring politi-bros surfing Tinder and the nerdy Young Dems from Nova, it's a wonder that sparks weren't flying. Also shouts out to the abundance of older gentlemen there who didn't realize that telling young women to smile is obnoxious and sexist.

The only person who brightened the room that night was Crist himself. And that's because his skin is practically glowing. At about 9 p.m., he was introduced to about 200 guests as "Here Comes the Sun" blared from stage-side speakers. After about 35 minutes of expertly delivered rhetoric, the politician was whisked away from reporters through a backdoor.

See also: Broward Primary Election Results

Not that there would have been a point in asking the man questions anyway. Early this month, two Tampa Bay Times journalists put together the definitive profile on Crist. They asked him, among many other things, about a specific anecdote they had uncovered while reporting. Apparently in late 2007, the politician acted a fool during a South American trade mission -- drinking excessively and trashing a hotel room, the paper reported. He actually sounds kind of fun in that story.

But when those reporters asked Crist about the incident, he denied it. In the same interview, in Fort Lauderdale, he also denied ever having sex with a man. He also said he had very few friends and even fewer illegitimate children.

The man wouldn't even cop to smoking cigarettes. Basically, in other words, he's the most boring party guest ever. No surprise then that he doesn't know how to throw a fun one himself.

Charlie Crist, you're supposed to be a Democrat now. Stop acting like you're still a Republican.

Send your story tips to the author, Allie Conti.

Follow Allie Conti on Twitter: @allie_conti

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Allie Conti was a fellow at Miami New Times and a staff writer for New Times Broward-Palm Beach, where her writing won awards from the Florida Press Club and the Society of Professional Journalists. She's now the senior staff writer at Vice and a contributor to the New York Times, New York Magazine, and the Atlantic.