Ah, Black Friday.
It's almost upon us.
And while we expect the worst from our fellow holiday shoppers, such as fighting to the death in the parking lot of a Walmart for that last Play With Me Elmo or plowing through a crowd of women and children to get to that PS4, things can get especially weird in our very own giant outlet mall.
As you prepare yourselves for the big day, here are some people you should look out for when shopping Black Friday at the Sawgrass Mills Mall come the morning after Thanksgiving:
5. The Shopping Cart Hoarder
Sawgrass Mills is full of those coin-operated shopping carts. They're convenient for the shopper looking to buy a number of items at different stores. But on Black Friday, those shopping carts become part carry-all, part all-terrain vehicle, part weapon. You'll see families buying them by the shitload, one cart after another. And in most cases, these things are used as make-shift baby strollers for families' preteen kids, who are charged with holding on to each bag from all the stores the family has pillaged.
Mostly, though, you'll see people dragging two or three of these babies stuffed with bags from Target, Victoria's Secret, and the Rainforest Cafe.
4. The Tag-Teamers
These are the geniuses who found a supersecret loophole in the system that no one can possibly figure out. They can be a family of five or just a douchey couple.
They work efficiently to maximize their Black Friday success by having one save a spot in line while the other goes looking for even more things to buy. Or one will grab that leather coat or television set you had your eye on, and they'll just stand there while the other looks to see if they can find a cheaper price on the same exact items. They think they're beating the system and being slick about their shopping. But really, they're just annoying the shit out of everyone in the mall.
3. The Europeans Who Buy Craploads of Suitcases at Luggage Express
And then fill them with a crapload of perfumes from Perfumania.
2. The People Who Dragged Their Children to This Madness
These people literally just ate Thanksgiving dinner and are now dragging their kids out of bed at 3:30 in the morning so they can get a jumpstart on getting in line for that Play Station 4 that they could wait until Monday to buy online. This is borderline child abuse, as the kids go through all kinds of emotional ups and downs throughout the day: from crusty-eyed and groggy to midmorning sugar rush to euphoria to mild depression to discount-induced psychosis. Really, the kids are here to act as buffers for crazy moms looking to get to that XBox-1 or to be a part of the Tag-Teamers (see number 4). But it's mostly some sort of quasi-child labor thing. But don't worry, kids. An Aunt Annie's pretzel awaits you as your prize for your hard work and for screwing with your body's sleep cycle.
1. The Tramplers Yeah, you know these people. They're at every mall in America during this time of year. But the Sawgrass trampler is extra-special, because the mall affords so many places where you can get knocked over and have your skull crushed underfoot due to crazy low prices.
There's the Nike Outlet store, where people will throw tridents at one another to get their hands on a pair of LeBron sneakers.
There's Burlington Coat Factory, where you'll get shivved with a makeshift knife carved from a toothbrush for those winter boots that the person will never ever wear because we live in fucking Florida.
There's the GAP Outlet store, where the lines are literally a maze of confusion and where it's every man for himself for those colorful scarves that are 70 percent off.
And, of course, there's every women's shoe store, where people battle in gladiatorial games in which the victor gets several pairs of shoes while the loser gets mauled by a tiger.
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