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Fort Lauderdale's Six Best Spring-Break Videos

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Just as snowbirds fly south for the winter, spring breakers head here when it's cold.  This species of Fort Lauderdale tourist mostly originates in Midwestern universities. Each March, they travel in flocks to our beaches for one week only.

An invasive species, the Fort Lauderdale spring breaker wreaks havoc on our city through drunken debauchery. In the day, Fort Lauderdale Beach is their main habitat. They're nocturnal creatures too and can be spotted at CYN nightclub in the evening. They leave a trail of litter and vomit in their wake. 

In one week, they'll all leave for good. But in the meantime, local residents are advised to stay indoors. And if a drunk spring breaker accidentally runs into your glass window, take your phone out, record it, and post it on YouTube. In any case, here are the six most ridiculous Fort Lauderdale spring-break videos:  

6. Drunk spring breakers performing circus acts on Fort Lauderdale Beach
It's official. The college students from up north have descended upon our city like one big, drunk, traveling circus act — or at least, that's what this video would make you believe. A crowd of kids take turns launching themselves on a makeshift trampoline (a half-buried exercise ball). It's unclear where they're from or why they're so coordinated when drunk. It catches up to them in two epic wipeouts at 1:08 and 2:10. 

5. Big Ryan's 21st Spring Break Birthday in Fort Lauderdale
This video starts out with three guys in a car who don't have a plan. They're driving to Fort Lauderdale — the Fort Lauderdale version of The Hangover — and they're bringing a huge teddy bear. They arrive at a nice, canal-front home. Like locals, they go kayaking, catch a Heat game, and play football on Fort Lauderdale Beach. Things pick up at 6:34, when someone's mom brings out a cake. Don't be fooled by the wholesome fun, because things take a wild turn. For Big Ryan's 21st birthday, the guys drink beer, fishbowl margaritas, and neon-colored shots. They pick up some girls. At 7:25, though, the beer/liquor/margarita combo makes a second appearance — in Big Ryan's upchuck. It's OK, Big Ryan; we've all been there. 

4. Widener University's Bros Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale
In case you weren't sure, Widener University is a tiny little school located in Chester, Pennsylvania, just southwest of Philadelphia. For spring break, they flocked with the other Midwestern college students to our beaches. At first, it looks just like any other spring-break video: bro tanks, backward hats, and some underwater camera shots in the pool. But the cinematography gets experimental at 1:04, when it switches to the drinkcam. Whatever you do, don't look directly into the drunk, dilated pupils of a spring-break bro. 

3. Ohio University Lands in Fort Lauderdale
For a bunch of drunk college kids, Ohio University's spring breakers really know how to make a high-quality edit. The cameraman had a preference for documenting boobs, butts, and liquor. The best part is at 0:42, when a drunk college girl records herself eating pizza randomly for 12 seconds. It's also the best part because for those 12 seconds that tacky background music is muted.  

2. Ohio University Frat Spring-Breaks in Fort Lauderdale
Another Ohio University video! The coincidence was just too uncanny. It turns out that Ohio University's film school is ranked as one of the top ten in the nation. Like the last video, there's a bunch of alcohol and boobs with a few cameos of Fort Lauderdale Police officers. But the video ends in an ominous Blair Witch manner, when a drunk college kid says, "Hi, Mom. I'm safe and still alive." Then some girl in the distance starts screaming, then so does the guy, and the film cuts to black. We hope it was a blacktip shark

1. The Drunk Brawl on Fort Lauderdale Beach
This video takes place on Fort Lauderdale Beach at the intersection of alcohol intoxication and too much testosterone. At least a dozen bros in board shorts are pummeling one another. The video doesn't offer any clues as to what the fight was about, but it looks like the Fort Lauderdale Police gallop in on horses just in time. The cops keep trotting around trying to break up the crowd and blowing whistles. Like the trained millennials that they are, they take out their phones to record. The person recording this video tells police: "It's all on video. If you hit me with a horse, I'll sue y'all, bitch." The video ends with the young man sticking his middle finger at the camera, shouting, "Fuck the police, bitch." 

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