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Keep New Times Free
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It's Freezing Today, So the Rest of America Hates Us!

A major winter storm full of frigid kick-ass named Hercules is bearing down on the northeastern United States, bringing with it record lows, canceled flights, snowfall, and blizzard conditions the country hasn't seen in years. So everyone is miserable and whining about the weather.

Except, of course, in South Florida, because it's never that cold. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! #YOLO Hit it, Pitbull!

"This is likely to be the coldest weather for much of the Northeast since January 2009," AccuWeather meteorologist Bernie Rayno said. Meanwhile, the Midwest is dealing with even worse conditions, with lows hitting as far as -42 in Minnesota this evening. Yes, there is a negative sign in front of that 42. I checked; it's a really real thing.

It's like the end of days, something out of a movie -- a movie most definitely not being filmed in Miami.

Here in South Florida, lows will plummet to the high 50s tonight, causing heating bills to skyrocket, Starbucks to increase indoor seating capacity, and most of all, the telling of stories about how in 1919, it once snowed for 30 seconds in Hialeah.

People hate us right now, like, more so than usual, as the cold really brings out the saltiness in them.

Yeah, well, I guess it's hard to blame them.

So later today, when it gets too hot for that extra fleece you're wearing, just remember, America hates you right now, and it's hilarious.



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