Last week Marco Rubio spoke at the GOPers Paradise To Complain About The Black Fella, Them Freeloadin' Poor People, And Don't Touch My AK-47-Palooza (or CPAC, for short) where he basically told everyone that denying gay people simple civil rights doesn't at all make him a bigot, and that global warming is just an illooooosion.
On Friday, however, the Repubz got themselves a whole different kind of message from a whole different kind of possible contender for the 2016 run at the White House.
Jeb Bush delivered a speech about inclusion, acceptance, and took a jab at Mitt Romney's "47 percent" comments.
GOPers are still trying to figure out if Jeb is just kidding or if he pulled off the biggest trolling in the history of CPAC.
"I am here to tell you that there is no 'us' and 'them,'" Jeb! said. "We need to be the party of inclusion and acceptance."
Ha. Ha. Ha. Quit joshin' Jeb! Let's get back to talking about how we need to keep poor people from getting medical insurance and keeping the ladies in the kitchen where they belong.
"Never again, never again can the Republican simply write off certain segments of the society because we assume our principles have limited appeal," Jeb! continued. "They have broader appeal."
Wait. The Blacks, The Gays and The Poors vote too? We thought they were too lazy/too poor/too gay to do that stuff.
"It is not a validation of our conservative principles if we can only point to the increasingly rare individual who overcomes adversity and succeeds in America," Jeb! said. "Here's reality: if you're fortunate enough to count yourself among the privileged, much of the rest of the nation is drowning."
Drowning in all that free money the government gives them, amerite???
*awkward high five that barely misses*
"In our country today, if you're born poor, if your parents didn't go to college, if you don't know your father, if English isn't spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II."
Well, we all know who's fault THAT is, right?
Not the guy that promised a certain war against a certain regime that had a certain type of weapon would only cost $50 billion, but instead has cost the country $2 trillion with interest. Nope. Not him. Because blaming him is, like, soooo 2008. LOL right??
Of course, predictably, the GOPers didn't take too kindly to having a talkin-to by Dubya's lil bro, and Jeb!'s speech was accepted with a big fat meh by those in attendance.
The problems with this approach were on display Friday night - when a lecture he delivered at CPAC's Reagan Dinner fell painfully flat.
Eschewing a teleprompter, Bush read his 19-minute lecture from a black binder that felt like was trying to channel former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman. Many in the audience thumbed through BlackBerrys while he talked. He received only a polite, scattered standing ovation.
Two things: Marco Rubio was the clear winner at The CPAC, because fuck librullllz, man.
And two: OF COURSE Republicans would use BlackBerry's.
Because, 20th Century > 21st Century. Derp.