The end of the world is supposed to come today, and if it does, it's a safe bet it'll somehow involve zombies.
If so, head to Okeechobee, where the Emergency Operations Center director prepared a 75-page plan on how to respond to a "zombie apocalypse."
Mike Faulkner told the Okeechobee News that his plan, replete with organizational charts and orders for every local resident and government agency on how to react, was simply a weekend project in preparing for disasters. Faulkner has since left for greener pastures at -- where else? -- FEMA. But his plan has taken off on the net, linked from Twitter and Facebook and soon, I'm sure, the subject of late-night talk shows.
Faulkner's zombie apocalypse has some good lessons for those who might soon face the undead. Such as:
Forget the Feds
FEMA typically establishes Disaster Recovery Centers after a major catastrophe, but the zombie cheat sheet figures this probably won't happen. "The Disaster Recovery Center is not likely to be established during the Zombie Apocalypse, as they are not easily defensible, and would cause citizens to risk safety in order to access them," the report predicts. "They are, however, more likely to exist after humanity makes a push back against the Horde, and the area is generally safer."
Fortified Bathrooms Are a Must
His and hers bathrooms won't necessarily be available in the governmental operations centers rushed together to fight off the flesh-eating animals, so if your latrine is outside, "it should be heavily fortified with plenty of security, and "buddy travel" procedures should be strictly adhered to." Probably a good rule even without zombies.
Don't Burn Those Corpses!
As with many governmental plans, a large chunk of this one is spent on waste. As in, what to do with all the debris that would surely be produced from a zombie war. But a rare exclamation point and underlining marks the importance of what's not to be disposed of: "Disposal of Corpses is not, under any circumstances, to be included in this portion of the plan! This is only for yard waste, debris and materials used to construct defenses or abandoned properties / vehicles / destroyed homes." Corpses, we're guessing, will be reserved in case feeding the zombies becomes necessary.
The Mailman Is Packing
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Getting guns to the populace will be crucial in beating the zombie army. Arming the citizenry is a major step in the zombie apocalypse plan, and to do so, your friendly neighborhood postal agent "will likely be tasked to assist with delivery of weapons and food to accessible fortified locations throughout the county." Also, he'll give you a bunch of catalogs for stores you never visit.
Defining the Undead
It has never been clear exactly what zombies want, or why they've returned. Are they spirits of their former selves possessed by some spirit, or under the effect of some terrible diseases? Wonder no longer, thanks to this zombie apocalypse definition: "the Zombie Apocalypse is considered a mixture of a Civil Disturbance and a Pandemic Infection."