Listen close, junior terrorists. How do you, aspiring distributor of chaos and mayhem, orchestrate something that will stir things up -- really get your jihad on -- when you're stuck in the middle of suburbia, without a car, money, and your mom blows?
Well, al-Qaeda is here to help. And our two local terrorist suspects, Raees and Sheheryar Qazi, that perennial well of incompetence and fecklessness, took advantage to build their "weapon of mass destruction" with remote-car parts and Christmas lights. The acumen required to facilitate such an inoperable devise sprung from the al-Qaeda guide, "Make a bomb in the kitchen of your mom."
The article was penned by someone named the "AQ Chef" -- yes, the al-Qaeda Chef -- virtuoso of low-grade explosives and a damned fine tomato sauce.
"Can I make an effective bomb that causes damage to the enemy from ingredients available in any kitchen in the world?" the AQ Chef queries. "The answer is yes. But before how, we ask why? It is because Allah says: So fight in the cause of Allah, you are not held responsible except for yourself. And inspire the believers to join you that perhaps Allah will restrain the military might of those who disbelieve."
So, isn't it obvious?? You're supposed to MAKE A BOMB IN THE KITCHEN OF YOUR MOM!
What if you don't have a mom? you, terrorist grasshopper, may wonder. Don't worry, the kitchen doesn't need to be gender specific. But it must have, apparently, access to Christmas lights -- which means, with the holidays upon us, you are in luck.
It also seems if you have matches, a pipe, and an alarm clock, you too, can make a bomb in the kitchen of your mom. If done properly, it comes out looking like this:
This, it appears, was the Qazi brothers final objective -- until, of course, they ran out of money, and even a bomb gleaned from the materials of their mom wasn't feasible.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Perhaps, we're waiting on the next al-Qaeda how-to: How to grow a jihad beard when you're 12.