Screw you, Matthew Bell of Esquire: A Defense Of Marco Rubio's Hair

You know what the worst thing in the world is?

When some yuppie New York schmuck wearing designer Gucci-whatever tells you how shitty you look. Worse still, when that New York douche bag has access to a wide audience to critique your awful appearance.

And you know what makes us want to punch ourselves in the face and hurl our lifeless body out the nearest window?

When that New York tool-bag goes after one of ours, a Floridian.

That's what a-hole Matthew Bell of Esquire did earlier this week to Marco Rubio. Apparently Bell has earned the prestigious position of "online grooming correspondent" and has taken it upon himself to go after Rubio for going bald.

But it's okay! says Bell. He's allowed to lambast Rubio. Because, people, listen, he's going bald too! Don't you get it? That's why fat people always get to belittle other fat people. DUH.

Here's part of what Bell wrote:

Marco Rubio's doing an alright job positioning himself as the man the GOP needs to halt their receding support, but before he gets too far along there, we suggest he take some time to better manage his own thinning hair. No fault to Rubio's biology -- there's absolutely nothing's wrong with a diminishing hair count, and some stats say 40% of men will experience hair loss by age 35 (me among them) -- but there are ways to exacerbate the issue, like what Rubio's doing presently, and ways to alleviate it a little.

Aside from this being the most illiterate paragraph in the history of human folly -- "nothing's" -- it's also incurably dumb. Let's analyze Bell's claim that Rubio's doing an "alright" job of halting the GOP's apparent "receding support," (good pun, Matt-o!).

Does he mean when Rubio couldn't answer how old the earth is? Or does Bell mean when Rubio said homosexuality is one big fire-and-brimstone, eternal-damnation sin?

Yes, Bell. That.

Or, let's take apart the notion that balding itself constitutes a bad thing.

After Esquire published their plea for Rubio to tend to his hair, the senator dispatched a tweet. And Bell quickly responded.

Of course, Rubio. Just go to some place called "Elle M." That's where everybody's going these days.

What a New York douche bag.

Terrence McCoy