Broward News

South Florida Craigslist Is Overrun by People Looking for Hurricane Fuckbuddies

Are you single and under the age of 30? Getting evacuated from your oceanfront condo?

Good news: Random sketchy dudes on Craigslist have you covered. Just search for the word "hurricane" in the personal ads and shield your computer screen when anyone walks by because you're about to see a lot of dick pics. Hurricane Matthew isn't even here yet, but there are already hundreds of posts featuring terrible pickup lines such as, "I'd like to plunge into the warm, moist eye of your hurricane," and, "Fuck me like a hurricane."

The offerings range from creepily flirty to downright exploitative. On one end of the spectrum, you have the guy who says he's looking for a lady "who wants an erotic massage to release hurricane stress." Thoughtful! And then you have the man who says you can come stay with him at his house in Michigan, "but we will be having sex." Or the dude who says it breaks his heart to see people in need during a hurricane, so he wants to get you a hotel room... if you send him a picture first. 

Of course, there's also plenty of people who are upfront about what they want: namely, to hook up with someone who they'll never see again after the storm warning is lifted. There seem to be a lot of couples planning threesomes for this very reason. (On a related note, the condom aisles at certain drugstores are looking pretty bare.)

Meanwhile, other Craigslist posters claim they're just scared and lonely and want to cuddle, like this recent New Jersey transplant who writes, "Anybody live alone and scared of this oncoming monster storm want some company? If you're a cute, fun, normal, outgoing, girl in the Fort Lauderdale area who is nervous to be alone in the storm and wants a great guy to chat with or even hang out with to ride out this storm together, let me know!" Kind of sweet, aside from the always-present possibility that he could be a serial killer. 

Be safe out there. 
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Antonia Farzan is a fellow at New Times. After receiving a master’s degree in journalism from Columbia University, she moved to South Florida to pursue her dream of seeing a manatee and meeting DJ Khaled (ideally at the same time). She was born and raised in Rhode Island and has a BA in classics from Hamilton College.