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Ten Best Ways to Blow Your Tax Return in South Florida

The sight of a W-2 in your mailbox can strike either fear or joy into your heart.  If you've decided to take your money upfront and deal with Uncle Sam in April, things are about to get tight. But if you paid along the way all year long, that paper is akin to a Christmas bonus. It's like finding money in the fifth jean pocket of a pair of jeans you haven't worn in months. It's like flipping your couch over, cutting open the bottom, and having hundred dollar bills fly out. It's free money.  

And it's time to blow it. Because it never really existed, if you get rid of it fast enough.  

C'mon, man! You pinch your pennies all year long. What are you going to do, pay down your credit card? That's what The Man wants you to do! That's what your mom would tell you to do! That's what you should do — wait, don't read that last sentence! 

Do these things instead, because you're a damned adult, and this is America.


10. Rent a Lamborghini and drive to South Beach. 

Gotham Dream Cars
5150 SW 48th St., Suite 613, Davie
305-222-7900

From $2,450 a day, you can rent a Lambo from Gotham Dream Cars in Davie. The drive from Broward to Collins Avenue gives you ample miles to let this baby loose on the open road, then do the exact opposite once you hit South Beach. This is the car that high-school-you wanted to buy but couldn't. It's the one that adult-you eschewed for college savings. Now, with that refund, you can blow the wad.

9. Sit courtside at a Miami Heat game.

Stubhub.com

Courtside tickets can be had for just under $3,000 on Stubhub, much cheaper than they were a few years ago, when LeBron was running the American Airlines Arena. You've always dreamed of sitting in these seats, but you never imagined it would be possible. Oh, it's possible. You deserve this. You don't even understand some of the deductions on your check every week, but you don't ask questions, do you? No, you pay, because America. Well, now you're going to sit ten feet away from a bunch of men who make $20 million a year to play basketball, because AMERICA! 

8. Rent a yacht and do yacht stuff.

Yolo Boat Rentals
9 Cayuga Road, Fort Lauderdale
954-687-3383

I'm on a boat! At Yolo Boat Rentals in Fort Lauderdale, you can have a yacht chartered for around $1,200 a day. Get yourself a yacht and go full Entourage, because sometimes we need a reason to act douchey. Do things like drink Champagne with a strawberry at the bottom. Get your spring break on. Flash people. Not you, guys. You'll probably go to jail. It's just different, sorry. And we don't have money left over to bail you out; this yacht was expensive. 

7. Let it ride on a casino cruise. 

Bimini Cruise
Bimini, Bahamas
954-969-0069

Cash your entire tax return check in hundreds and jump your ass on the next casino cruise. Every dollar goes in a slot machine. Go big or go home. If things go south, at the very least you bought yourself a cruise and a night as a high roller. No regrets. All you need is $149 and Bimini cruises will allow you to do this very irresponsible thing with the money you receive in the mail from Uncle Sam. 

6. Throw a weekend-long hotel-room party at the W Fort Lauderdale. 

W Fort Lauderdale
401 N. Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale
954-414-8200

All you need is $526 per night and a suite at the W Fort Lauderdale is all yours. When is the last time you even said the phrase "hotel party"? God, you're so old. This is your chance to blow the entire stack on two nights on a luxury hotel room and go full Hangover on the night. Pool party by day, liquor-fueled debauchery by night. Be a complete screw-up for a weekend, then take Monday off work so you can lie in bed and recover from trying to be 22 again. 

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi