Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Love the Beans, Hate the Beaner

By Gustavo Arellano

Jun 7, 2012

A couple of years back, I put four white supremacists in prison. They had made the mistake of going into the Slater Slums of Huntington Beach, California, the city's traditional barrio, to kill a random Mexican. They got as far as stabbing a man before the Slater Slums smackdown began:...

Pachuco, Pachuca.

Don't Know Much About History

By Gustavo Arellano

Sep 11, 2008

Dear Readers: The Mexican's new book, Orange County: A Personal History, is in your local bookstore on September 16 — by pure coincidence, Mexican Independence Day! In honor of and to shamelessly promote my muy caliente libro (which deals with America's Gomorrah, the Reconquista, and John Wayne!), I'm answering historical...

How the Zebra Got His Spots

... And the pachucos got their zoot

By Gustavo Arellano

Aug 28, 2008

Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans paint stripes on their donkeys in Tijuana? Avenida Revolución Reveller Dear Gabacho: Same reason we put worms in tequila bottles, celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and star in Beverly Hills Chihuahua: to cheat gabachos out of cash. To paraphrase the classic dictum: a gabacho and his...

Hung Up on Jotos

Is It Something I Said?

By Gustavo Arellano

Apr 3, 2008

Dear Mexican: I'm a gay man in his mid-30s that has always loved Mexican men. And this question is not only from my experience, but also that of friends: Why is it that Mexican men are so flaky? They seem the top offending ethnicity in this. And, by flaky, I...

Hand to Mouth

Leave the Etymology to el hombre

By Gustavo Arellano

Mar 20, 2008

Dear Mexican: Since moving to Aztlán from Boston, I've spent so much time with my next-door neighbor from Mexico City that I've taken to using the word manito as a term of endearment with my buddies, regardless of who and where they are. It's been my observation that most Anglos...

He Got the Frijoles

Spare Us Your Mangled Clichés

By Gustavo Arellano

Mar 13, 2008

Dear Mexican: Mexicans are angry that the United States might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country, and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these Mexicans. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say...

It Ain't About Skin Color

How many times?

By Gustavo Arellano

Feb 28, 2008

Why won't Mexicans vote for a black man? — Hillary Hater Dear Readers: Dozens of ustedes have sent the above question since the Iowa caucuses, forwarded mainstream media reports on this supposed phenomenon, and cringed with me when pundits took as gospel Hillary Clinton pollster Sergio Bendixen's assertion to the...

High-Flying Mexico

Don't Believe the Claptrap

By Gustavo Arellano

Feb 21, 2008

Dear Mexican: Why do you suppose Mexico has such a hard time getting its act together? It has vast natural resources, good climate, natural ports, super-generous and good-looking neighbors, and plenty of laborers who seem to be willing to do all sorts of crappy jobs. But instead of having a...

Droppin' the Dime

There are Tío Tacos of all nationalities

By Gustavo Arellano

Feb 14, 2008

Dear Mexican: My parents were Greeks who legally immigrated to the United States in 1920. When it became harder for Greeks to immigrate, they began to jump ship in New York. My father referred to them as "bananas—fresh off the boat," but it was mostly an affectionate name. The Greek...

Better to Give?

Joto-hating cuts both ways

By Gustavo Arellano

Feb 7, 2008

Dear Mexican: After working with Mexicans for years, I have noticed that Mexican men have a double standard when it comes to homosexuality. Why is it that the "giver" is not regarded as being just as equally gay as the "receiver"? — El Vaquero Dear Cowboy Gabacho: I think all...

Cojones Come in Small Packages

Fernando Was a Chihuahua Lion

By Gustavo Arellano

Jan 31, 2008

Dear Readers: Mucho feedback from ustedes regarding recent questions about archetypical Mexican dogs and the propensity of wabs to DUI. Let's empezar with the doggies: You're right about Chihuahuas. Crazy, tough dogs. I'm a dog rescuer (www.geocities.com/st-roch), and we once found a Chihuahua in a box by the side of...

Is This the Las Puertas Concert?

Mexican music lovers aren't biased

By Gustavo Arellano

Jan 24, 2008

Dear Mexican: At a weekly Doors tribute band gig, I've noticed the majority of the crowd is Mexican. I swear, sometimes it seems like the crowd missed the exit to the Lupillo Rivera show or a Maná concert. Never realized Jim Morrison was the equal of Morrissey and Charles Bronson...

One for the Camino

Herradura Goes Down Too Easy

By Gustavo Arellano

Jan 17, 2008

Dear Mexican: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration reports that Mexican-Americans have the highest proportion of D.U.I's and alcohol-related traffic fatalities of any ethnic group (60 percent as opposed to 40 percent for Caucasians — they're even substantially higher than any other Latino group). I apologize that this question isn't...

Of Mexicans and Mormons

La Virgen always stretched her arms wide

By Gustavo Arellano

Jan 10, 2008

Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans who come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6,...

How I Bow-Wow

Finding the canine clues

By Gustavo Arellano

Jan 3, 2008

As everyone knows, dogs seem to reflect their master's personalities. Likewise, the breeds invented by a nation say a lot about that nation. Germans bred the German shepherd and Rottweilers: smart, loyal, faithful, yet a little cold, and not the kind of dogs you want to piss off. The French...

Frequently Asked Preguntas

And you expect me to be serious?

By Gustavo Arellano

Dec 27, 2007

Apologies for the shortened column this week, but there are tamales to make Dear Readers: Gracias, thank you, gracias for another successful year. The Mexican now appears in 32 newspapers across the country, with a weekly circulation of just over two million! As more readers join the Reconquista, many ask...

Trillions for Illegals!

Did Mexicans take over the Pentagon?

By Gustavo Arellano

Dec 20, 2007

Dear Mexican: U.S.A citizens are sick and tired that for more than 40 years, Latin American elites have lived like monarchs, because they pimp their poor to American businesses for cheap labor that American taxpayers have been forced to subsidize with health care, food, housing, education, and so forth, costing...

Raise That Armada!

It Goes Back to the Spaniards and Brits

By Gustavo Arellano

Dec 13, 2007

Dear Mexican: I'm sad that there aren't more Mexicans here in the Detroit area. We're one of the few areas in the country that is predominately Catholic. We've welcomed wave after wave of Catholic immigrants for well over 100 years, and they've intermingled and blended into our local society and...

Tatted and Intimidated

By Gustavo Arellano

Nov 29, 2007

What about the snake in that special place? Dear Mexican: With a scant four weeks before I cram my mochila with a few clothes for me and a horde of presents (read: bribes) for my future cuñadas, sobrinas, y mi mera suegra, I found myself terror-stricken tonight as mi novio...

Half Truths

Undocumenteds are part of the problema

By Gustavo Arellano

Nov 15, 2007

Dear Mexican: Is Lou Dobbs right when he says that close to 80 hospitals in California have been closed because of the illegals, or is he lying? — Cabrónes No Necesitamos Dear CNN: Dobbs is right to a certain point, in spite of his idiocy. The father of two half-wabs...

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