Steel Panther on Fashion: "Find, Like, Places Where Strippers Buy Their Clothes" | County Grind | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

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Steel Panther on Fashion: "Find, Like, Places Where Strippers Buy Their Clothes"

When people talk about "heavy metal," they're really just talking about Steel Panther -- a band so imbued in the form, it may as well have invented it. The band that once crept from the Sunset Strip's gutters like some sort of mutant, spewing sequins, Aqua Net, and glitter with every step has eclipsed even its own legend at this point. Yet it continues to graciously bring the gospel of the '80s shred and shriek to audiences everywhere.

Whether or not Steel Panther is actually cutting satire or authentic heavy metal perfection remains a topic of intense debate on message boards and in suburban parking lots all over the country. We couldn't care less, because we're way too busy partying to Steel Panther records to worry about whether or not they're a joke band.

The band's deft musicianship, poetically wrought lyrics, and uncompromising dedication to showmanship has won them fans across the globe, and they will soon return to South Florida to bring the unique brand of heavy metal party they purvey to the place that parties the hardest.

New Times took a minute away from wiling out to speak with Steel Panther's lead guitarist, Satchel -- a world class riff machine who was kind enough to make some time for our questions about the finer points of soundtracking coitus to metal, finding sick stage clothes in 2014, and David Lee Roth's undeniable spryness.

How is the tour with Judas Priest going?

It's going. It is going, there's no question about that! It's going great, actually! We've never sounded better -- we put all of our vocals on tape this time!

In your opinion, as a high ranking scholar of metal, are power ballads or fast tunes better for banging?

Oh, you know what? There's no question: The power ballad is what gets you into a girl's pants. You have to have a power ballad, that way you can skip the foreplay because she'll be ready to fuck by the time the song is done.

These days, it's great because you can make a playlist on your phone and you can kind of time it out, put like two power ballads on and by the time the second power ballad's done, you're already fucking her, and then like the third song, put something off of like Ride the Lightning or something, and then you're done. By the middle of the third song, you can be like calling her a cab and she's on her way out!

So you do, in fact, use other people's music when getting freaky?

Oh, no, no! There's all kinds of great heavy metal out there! I am a heavy metal fan! Of course, Steel Panther is some of the best stuff to get laid to -- that's why we write it. Our lyrics are honest and open and we touch on many of the subjects that guys are afraid to bring up: anal sex, gang bangs at old folks homes. You know? Things like that. So, we make it easy to broach the tough subjects with women for guys.

You guys certainly are not a band that shies away from sensitive subject matters in your music. For example, the song "Fucking My Heart in the Ass." Could you elaborate a bit on what that one is really about?

The influence for that song... I was actually just writing one day and began to think about how your heart -- that's where all your feelings are, man, you know? Some people can be too protective of that place, and some people are way too open with it, but it really is like its own person, your heart.

So I thought, well gosh, you know, when you really get hurt, it really is like your heart is just getting bent over and getting fucked in its ass. It was easy to write that song because shit -- everybody has felt like their heart has been fucked in its ass, and I'm sure I've fucked a few hearts in the ass as well. Everybody has been there in that place in their life, man. You know?

And sometimes you're getting your heart fucked in its ass as your ass is getting fucked, and that's a double ass fuck. That's the ultimate paradox right there. It's like the paradox vortex. I've never used those two words together, but I'm pretty sure that's what that is.

Who do you think would win in a fistfight: David Lee Roth's current self (he turned 60 the other day) or Vito Bratta of White Lion circa 1987?

Wow. In a fistfight? That's a really tough question because David Lee Roth, I think he's like really into jiu jitsu and shit like that? He's a pretty limber dude. And Vito, in 1987? I think I'm going to take David Lee Roth. Even now, even having just turned 60. But I think he's still got it in him to kick Vito Bratta's ass.

You know what? If we used Kickstarter, we could probably raise enough money to make that happen, and I think that would be pretty cool.

I know Vito has been pretty much in hiding and hasn't released anything since like '92, but this could be a reality. Would Steel Panther play the event?

Absolutely! We'll do a whole set for free just to warm up the crowd! Let's make it happen!

I know you have some history with Rob Halford. What's it like being on the road with him again?

I'll tell you what: He is the Metal God, dude! He's still singing great and things have not changed. He still doesn't talk to me very much. But he's awesome! He takes care of his voice and shit. He's no spring chicken anymore, but he's awesome! He's one of the greatest heavy metal lead singers ever, of all time!

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David Von Bader

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