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Woman Arrested for Allegedly Masturbating in a Starbucks

A Bradenton Starbucks just got a whole lot classier last week, after a woman was arrested on Thursday for allegedly masturbating inside the coffee joint.

According to the probable-cause affidavit, 29-year-old Jennifer Piranian was sitting in the lobby of a Bradenton Starbucks when she was seen pleasuring herself by several witnesses.

According to the report, Bradenton Police were then called "by the staff at Starbucks regarding a female that was in their lobby and was masturbating."

When the cop approached Piranian and questioned her, she explained that she had been dropped off by some friends and was waiting to be taken to the hospital to treat an apparent spider bite.

Can't a lady diddle herself inside a Starbucks while waiting to go the hospital without being harassed anymore? What is this, Nazi Germany?

The officer offered Piranian a ride to the hospital, and she agreed. 

The officer also asked if she could check the contents of Piranian's purse.

Upon inspection, the officer discovered "a glass stem" in the purse that "tested positive for cocaine residue."

Because of course this story had to end this way.

Piranian claimed the stem didn't belong to her but was arrested for possession of narcotics and drug paraphernalia anyway.

She is being held in the Manatee County jail in lieu of $1,120 bond.

So, it turns out, playing with yourself in a Starbucks -- not as serious as having a crack pipe in your purse. Live and learn!

Although some might argue that at $5 for a cup of coffee, Starbucks is pretty much already jerking you. Hey-ohhhhhhhh.




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