“What took you so long?”
“Traffic was a bitch.”
“What took you so long?”
“I had a couple of errands to run.”
Now, a quiz: Which exchange is from London Has Fallen, the sequel to the White House–under-siege thriller Olympus Has Fallen, and which is the last line from the movie-within-a-movie in Robert Altman’s 1992 Hollywood satire The Player? There’s virtually no difference, except the punchline from the Altman (“Traffic was a bitch”) is less awful by a slim margin. That movie-within-a-movie is the sellout ending a pair of once-earnest filmmakers
The first, worst and most profitable of
Yet here is London Has Fallen, which moves the action to a monument-rich European capital but is otherwise the same generic, po-faced bore as the original. To a score flooded with choral wailings — this selection must be labeled “scary brown people” on the Hollywood soundboard — the film opens with a wedding outside Lahore, Pakistan, where ruthless arms dealer Aamir Barkawi (Alon Aboutboul) is attending his daughter’s nuptials. An American drone strike presumably wipes out Barkawi along with most of his family and associates, but he emerges from hiding with a comprehensive revenge plan two years later. When the British prime minister dies of a heart attack, leaders from around the world arrive in London for the funeral, including U.S. President Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart), accompanied by Mike Banning (Butler), who leads his Secret Service detail. It turns out to be an elaborate trap, with traitors within the police force, Buckingham Palace's guards and the upper echelon of Scotland Yard all working together to knock off heads of state from across the Western and industrialized world.
How could the same highly coordinated attacks happen to the same guy twice? Banning and President Kick-Ass not only seem to anticipate such catastrophes but actively train for them in competitive morning jogs and boxing sessions. They’re also up for any clichés, such as the terrorist who talks too much or Banning accepting this One Last Job before tendering his resignation and becoming a father. (As Banning’s wife, poor Radha Mitchell, who once battled nocturnal aliens in Pitch Black, has to stay behind and finish setting up the nursery.)
Familiar faces from Olympus Has
Taking over for Antoine Fuqua, Swedish director Babak Najafi, who honed his technical chops on Easy Money II: Hard to Kill, dutifully lays waste to the city,