With Valentine's Day coming up, people's standards tend to drop. All of a sudden that person you've desired for eons but has found you repugnant is now open to going out with you. Whether it's out of a fear of not being alone in the middle of February or out of an untapped desire to receive heart-shaped candies that read "You are sweet," don't fuck it up. You got your big break! And the easiest way to turn that person off is by playing an unsexy song.
What is an unsexy song? Scientists have narrowed it down after years of experimentation. They use a complex algorithm that combines the frequency a person hearing the song complains of a headache or all of a sudden has to get up early the next morning after being invited upstairs for a drink with the tip ratio a stripper gets pole dancing to the song divided by the percentage of people who leave the dance floor when the song comes on. Narrowed down, these are the least sexy songs in the English language. You have been warned.
1. Tiny Tim - "Tiptoe Through The Tulips"
The only thing more extraordinary than that the falsetto voice to this old novelty song belongs to a man is how quickly playing it will empty a room.
2. Alanis Morissette - "You Oughta Know"
Best case scenario is you can find some common ground laughing about how you heard this song was written about Uncle Joey from Full House, more likely scenario is the song will inspire a debate about whether or not all men suck.
3. Metallica - "One"
Because nothing says unsexy like songs about the ravages of war. How can you even think of being touched when there are people out there tapping in morse code, "kill me" over and over again?
4. Mickey Avalon - "My Dick"
My personal favorite on the list appeared at the beginning of Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. Lyrics like "My dick/size of a pumpkin/Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin" is the height of genius, but there's a reason the smart, crass ones are always stuck home alone.
5. The Beatles - "Revolution #9"
Although our concept of what can be described as music has changed in the 45 years since the Beatles released The White Album in 1968, this "song" continues to lack any semblance of sanity or rhythm for an unsexy eight minutes.
6. Don McLean - "American Pie"
Another eight plus minutes of torture certain to ruin the mood. Unless of course you're with someone who still is grieving over the untimely loss of Buddy Holly.
7. Hanson - "Mmmbop"
I'm certain somewhere out there that there are perverts protesting this song's placement on the list, but while this Jackson Five lite song embodies playfulness and bubble gum fun, you are a twisted soul if it turns you on.
8. Minnie Riperton - "Lovin' You"
Maya Rudolph's mom had a fantastic voice that makes you want to take a picnic and go to a petting zoo with any of the animals but the birds and the bees. Sweet and nostalgic, but not sexy.
9. John Tesh - "Roundball Rock"
There are probably fetishists out there who have a thing for Larry Bird in his short shorts, but Tesh's spastic theme song for the NBA on NBC is the antithesis of sexy time. Though with it playing on the background I imagine you could be motivated to get your highest score ever on your Sega Genesis game console.
10. Miley Cyrus - "We Can't Stop"
A world class provocateur, while Cyrus' many controversies are often sexual in nature, they can rarely be described as sexy. Never less so than in "We Can't Stop" which is the sonic equivalent of a trashed partner you seduce on to your bed only to have them vomit and defecate all over your mattress.
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