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Top 10 Least Sexy Songs of All Time

With Valentine's Day coming up, people's standards tend to drop. All of a sudden that person you've desired for eons but has found you repugnant is now open to going out with you. Whether it's out of a fear of not being alone in the middle of February or out of an untapped desire to receive heart-shaped candies that read "You are sweet," don't fuck it up. You got your big break! And the easiest way to turn that person off is by playing an unsexy song.

What is an unsexy song? Scientists have narrowed it down after years of experimentation. They use a complex algorithm that combines the frequency a person hearing the song complains of a headache or all of a sudden has to get up early the next morning after being invited upstairs for a drink with the tip ratio a stripper gets pole dancing to the song divided by the percentage of people who leave the dance floor when the song comes on. Narrowed down, these are the least sexy songs in the English language. You have been warned.

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David Rolland is a freelance writer for New Times Broward-Palm Beach and Miami New Times. His novel, The End of the Century, published by Jitney Books, is available at many fine booksellers.
Contact: David Rolland