Aggressive Squirrels Scaring the Crap Out of Parkgoers for Food

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A bunch of squirrels have been harassing families like a gang of fuzzy-tailed thugs in a state park in Tampa.

Apparently, these little varmints are so aggressive, they jump onto baby strollers, run up to people, and generally act like little furry assholes, doing whatever they can to get food.

The squirrels have been a nuisance to anyone visiting Kate Jackson Park, particularly parents who take their kids there to play on the park's jungle gym.

The parks department has been inundated with complaints about the squirrels to the point where Tampa is planning to have them captured and relocated.

An initial plan of putting up signs throughout the park warning people to not feed the squirrels was implemented.

But these are no ordinary squirrels. And people are afraid that, aside from having their food taken from them, might possibly have their eyes gnawed out by one of these critters.

So, the signs plan did not work. These squirrels don't care if you feed them or not. They'll take what they want, when they want.


So now the city is planning a squirrel round-up. The park's department says they've found a trapper who will capture the squirrels and release them into the wild somewhere else, where they will inevitably harass another group of humans.

Tampa's park director, Greg Bayor, says he has plan on keeping new squirrels from rising up and bullying people: Feeding the squirrels, in a sort of preemptive snack attack.

"Let's feed the squirrels. Not in here, but around the perimeter," said Bayor. "We're going to build our own squirrel feeders."

Bayor said the department wants to make interesting designs for the feeders that will be fun for the kids to observe, but at a distance.

"We're hoping they'll be fat and content," Bayor said.

It's a fine idea, we suppose. Maybe getting the squirrels used to squirrel food first will keep them from swarming a family picnic and taking their apple pie.

But, we're not entirely sold.

It's all fun and games until the squirrels wise up to this idea, and start demanding human flesh.

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