Gaudy-hotel-building, Obama birthering, epic-comb-over-having Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he's running for president. And while his candidacy is good fodder for comedians and late-night talk-show hosts, we think he'd actually probably make a good president. And on Tuesday, he proved he's quite qualified, because, among other things, he's crazy rich and hates immigrants so much that he's going to build a wall on the Mexican border. No doubt, he'll put his name on it.
Here are the five craziest things Trump said and did during his presidential announcement:
5. "I'll be the greatest jobs president God ever created"
When talking about the unemployment rate on Tuesday, Trump argued that the real numbers are being hidden from the public. He also said he knows how to create jobs and so, therefore, the unemployment rate will turn around under his watch. Trump is good at building hotels and putting his name on them. Because of this, he's given lots of people jobs. So when he declared during his speech that he'll be "the greatest jobs president God ever created," it wasn't just weird narcissistic hyperbole.
4. "Obama is the Big Lie."
Trump hates Obama. He hates him so much, in fact, that he's spent lots of money and lots of time trying to prove that Obama was actually born in Africa and not America. None of this turned out to be true, of course. But that doesn't mean Trump was wrong! And now he's gotten in on a new Obama trend — calling the president "the Big Lie," which, in case you weren't aware, was what Hitler called the massive "Jewish propaganda" perpetrated on the world in Mein Kampf.
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3. Undocumented immigrants from Mexico are “rapists” who “are bringing drugs” to the U.S.
"They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists... and some I assume are good people," Trump said. That's right, America. Mexicans coming over to the U.S. to find a new life and earn themselves a piece of the American Dream for them and their children are also apparently bringing in drugs and being all rapey. But some of them are cool, maybe, we can assume. Trump, however, has a totally practical and not-xenophobic-in-the-least solution to this problem. He's going to build a “great, great wall on the southern border.”
2. "Nobody will be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump."
Trump knows how to defeat ISIS, and here's how. Number one: He knows how to pronounce "ISIS," unlike the Big Lie, who pronounces it "ISIL." And number two, he has a supersecret plan to defeat it, but he'll share that plan only once he's president. So until then, ISIS is free to continue beheading people and wreaking deadly havoc and atrocities at will. But just you wait, ISIS. When Trump is president, then you're in serious trouble.
1. "Keep on Rockin' in the Free World"
Trump used this Neil Young classic to make his appearance Tuesday. The song is about how George H.W. Bush and his policies — the same policies that are embraced by Trump — have made America a living hell for anyone who isn't rich. It was the most ironic and un-self-aware song since Ronald Reagan praised Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A. But whatever; Trump has a lot of money, so the song means whatever he says it means, loser.