The Miami Dolphins are set to host the New York Giants tonight in what is essentially a meaningless game for the home team. The Dolphins, in case you haven't noticed, suck. They are currently 5-7, and any hope of reaching the playoffs lies in a bunch of things falling into place just right, including not losing any more games, having other teams completely tank, and the space/time continuum collapse in on itself, tearing the fabric of space and opening a portal that leads to an alternate universe where football was never even invented.
Still, tonight's game is worth watching for at least one very specific reason: The Dolphins will be rocking their throwback uniforms.
As part of their 50 year-anniversary, Dolphins players will suit up in the team's original 1966-design uniform and logo tonight to once again celebrate ancient history, because that's basically all this team can celebrate lately. So, for at least one night, the Fins are ditching their current Aquafresh-colored uniforms and going old school. And we are here to ask — nay, demand — that the Dolphins make this a permanent thing.
Miami would be better served going back to their throwbacks and sticking with it forever on so many levels. But here are the main nine reasons the Dolphins need to keep wearing these throwbacks from now until the end of time:
9. They're Classic NFL
When you think about NFL teams with rich storied traditions, you immediately think of teams like the Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Dallas Cowboys. These teams have been the epitome of greatness, tradition, and winning decade after decade. Each team has its own rich history and has become iconic to a game that has been entertaining America for more than 50 years. And yet, for as long as those teams have been around, they've never once screwed with their look. The Steelers are known for their gold and black colors and still have that stupid logo that inexplicably appears on only one side of the helmet. The Cowboys have tweaked their look but never to the point where they've completely abandoned it — it's still the classic blue and white with a big star on a silver helmet. Same story with the Packers, who, aside from the Cleveland Browns, have the least-NFL-ish colors — green and yellow — and have a goddamned "G" as their logo. Shit, the Redskins won't even change their stupid racist name, let alone their colors and logo. Meanwhile, for some stupid reason, the Dolphins decided to toss the colors and menacing dolphin logo from their greatest years for whatever the hell this is.
8. They're Menacing
When you see the Dolphins' old color scheme, you can't help but think of the 1972 Dolphins and their dominant, ass-wrecking ways. The classic solid orange stripe going down the center of an eggshell-colored helmet, the white pants with thick stripes, the dark aqua jerseys, the large numbers with orange borders — it all harks back to the days when Miami was a team to be reckoned with and the Orange Bowl was the most feared football atmosphere for opposing teams this side of Lambeau Field. That tradition was passed down to the Marino era and again to the Zach Thomas-Jason Taylor years. Those color schemes made other teams hurt and bleed. The current uniforms make other teams confused, wondering if they're in a generic football commercial in which the NFL did not allow official licensing to be used.
7. They're the True Colors of the Dolphins
Think back to every amazing memory as a Dolphins fan (or, if you're too young, YouTube them) and they all feature the Fins wearing their old uniforms and colors. The '72 Perfect Season; the Super Bowl victories, Dan Marino completely rewriting the record book, the defeat of the 1985 undefeated Bears on Monday Night Football; the Spike Play; the AFC Championship game against the Steelers; the Clayton-Duper connections; the Hook & Ladder play; the A.J. Duhe game; Jason Taylor's Defensive Player of the Year season. All of these moments featured the throwbacks. These uniforms are the Miami Dolphins.
6. They Don't Remind Us That Stephen Ross Is a Marketing Disaster
Stephen Ross' tenure as Dolphins owner has been abysmal. Since he bought the team in 2008, the Ross era has been defined by two things: His penchant for glitzy, attention-seeking moves and the team sucking royally. Almost immediately, Ross drew the ire of fans with his "orange carpet" events and his decision to sell team stakes to C-list local celebrities. He's failed to bring in a competent head coach and has seemed more consumed with bringing a Super Bowl game to SunLife Stadium than in putting together a competitive team. The new-look logo unveiled in 2013 came in the midst of the worst era in franchise history. He's basically the complete opposite of King Midas. Bottom line, the current uniforms represent the current state of the team more than anything else.
5. The Logo Looks Like an Actual Dolphin
The old logo featured a menacing dolphin wearing a football helmet and jumping through a blazing hoop (or maybe it's the sun?). Menacing porpoise, football, fire. Simple. The current logo looks like maybe it's a porpoise, though one can argue it can also be a whale, with dead soulless eyes, sort of, maybe, breaching the water, because it's probably run out of breath. It also kind of resembles a dildo.
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4. They Are a Reminder That the Current Uniforms Represent Mediocrity
The throwbacks conjure feelings of a rich winning tradition. The current uniforms conjure feelings of hope being murdered in the face every year for the rest of your football-watching life. They represent everything that has gone wrong with Miami in the past 15 years. They represent a team that can't score more than ten points a game and can't finish better than 7-9 every year. These uniforms don't know what a playoff game is.
3. They Don't Look Like Something SeaWorld Employees Would Wear
The throwback uniform and color scheme look like football. The current uniform and color scheme look like something SeaWorld employees would wear. The old dark aqua color has been replaced with a crystalline pool-colored coral aqua scheme that screams OOWWW DON'T HURT ME, FOOTBALL GUY. What you want in your team colors is something the other team will remember and something fans can embrace and be proud of. Instead, we have guys suiting up like they're about to go make Lolita do backflips for fish. The current logo looks like a water park exploded and sent fish flying into the air.
2. They Feel Right, Aesthetically
Look, we understand that team success has everything to do with talent and zero to do with uniform colors. Still, when you tune into Monday Night Football tonight — knowing full well this team is 5-7 and will probably get trounced by the Giants and is just a walking tub of refried ass — notice the way you feel when you look at them. Ryan Tannehill will suddenly look like a Hall of Famer. The offensive line will look like a bunch of Dwight Stephensons. The team that sucks so horribly will, at the very least, look like it has a puncher's chance because, damn it, this is what the Miami Dolphins are (or, at least, used to be).
1. They're Just Plain AWESOME
Look at that guy up there. Look at that uniform. If we're going to suck as bad as we do, can we at least not suck in the way we look? The Dolphins have ruined football in this town. Did they have to ruin the way the team looked too? There was simply no reason for the Dolphins to change their uniforms in 2013 outside of wanting to make more money through merchandising. But there are other ways to make money with merchandise that doesn't include urinating all over the only thing this team has left: tradition.