Buzzfeed is to lists what Bob is to barricades. And while the modern media juggernaut has certainly proven its knowledge on topics ranging from fierce llamas to awkward sleeping cats, it -- on occasion -- gets things wrong.
Recently, it posted an article called "17 Reasons Why Ft. Lauderdale Is Paradise on Earth."
The article is actually some type of weird sponsored content by JetBlue Airways, but I'm going to take it to task anyway, because if you're going to masquerade as a real list, I'm going to treat you like one. That's why, on Halloween, every tiny zombie that comes to my door gets a crowbar to the temple.
So today, we set our sights on Buzzfeed and turn the dial to sassy.
Here are some reasons why seven reasons on Buzzfeed's 17 reasons why Fort Lauderdale is paradise on Earth are simply unreasonable.
2. Everyone gives Miami all the credit, but you totally have it going on.
Ft. Lauderdale is friendlier, beachier, and WAY more chill.
"Friendly" and "chill" fall right below "freezing" and "sober" on the list of adjectives that should not be used to describe Fort Lauderdale.
And I'll give this list the benefit of the doubt here and assume that "beachier" is some type of fancy French word I'm not aware of and not just made-up nonsense that sounds like something Paris Hilton would whisper in a perfume commercial.
If we're inventing adjectives to describe Florida's cities, then can I submit "murderier" for Lauderhill?
There are reasons why Fort Lauderdale is better than Miami. A drink won't cost you your eldest daughter, parking isn't determined by who has a bigger knife, and Justin Bieber won't run over your foot with a Ferrari.
You can do better than "beachier."
13. ...an amazingly tasty meal...
Have a drink at Blondies or enjoy a slice of Pittsburgh at Primanti Bros. while soaking up the rays steps from the beach!
I'm with you on Primanti Bros., even though that's more of a Pittsburgh thing than a Fort Lauderdale thing (though there is something intrinsically Fort Lauderdale about drunk, 4 a.m. pizza).
But did you really just suggest we go grab a drink at Dirty Blondes?
Instead of that, why don't you go high-five a jellyfish or grab a quick nap in the middle of A1A, because both of those things are like a million times smarter than stepping foot inside of Blondies.
Now you've just crossed the line from inaccurate to irresponsible. Shame on ya, Buzzfeed.
15. But no matter how you choose to get around Ft. Lauderdale, you'll probably run into some of these beauties:
You're likely to spot a manatee while you're just relaxing on a Fort Lauderdale beach or on a water taxi! As for wild peacocks, you'll find them on the street in the middle of downtown... (but shh, don't tell anyone -- it's one of the locals' best-kept secrets.)
No, Buzzfeed. Those are called Midwestern tourists, not manatees. That's just straight-up rude.
And those peacocks you see waddling around downtown are actually drunk FAU girls out for Brittany's birthday, but that's an easy mistake to make.
12. The kind of view that sets the perfect backdrop to an epic profile picture...
Sure, maybe you can ask one of those land manatees you were telling us about to take it for you.
Who comes to Fort Lauderdale for a profile picture? The best view of the city is most certainly not from behind a cell phone.
Unfortunately, you will no doubt see a selfie or two in Fort Lauderdale. And if you do encounter one, the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission recommends you wave your hands in the air, try to make yourself appear larger, and scream as loud as you can.
Wait... maybe that's bears?
No. It's definitely selfies.
8. Only in paradise... can this be the only footwear you need 365 days a year.
Sorry, but 365 days of wearing sandals is acceptable only if you're Jimmy Buffett or a mannequin. We do have jobs and weddings and funerals in Fort Lauderdale, so from time to time, we take off our Hawaiian shirts and put down our piña coladas and actually put on shoes.
11. Would you rather be stuck in traffic looking at someone's "witty" bumper sticker or this gorgeous view?
That's unfair. First of all, you can't frame a question like that. It's like walking into a doctor's waiting room and saying, "Hey, guys, would you rather be here or at Natalie Portman's dinner party?"
I don't know if this reason is trying to imply that there isn't traffic in Fort Lauderdale, because that is simply as false as the teeth of the old lady who just cut you off.
4. ...a stay-cation destination where this is how Christmas is celebrated...
Unless you're Jewish. Then it's just another reminder that Christmas is a showoff.
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