Bravo reunion shows are basically one and the same -- a schmaltzy way to pimp out yet one more cheap episode of the shows you love to say you don't ever watch. At least Top Chef is the most intelligent of mindless television (Hey -- at least it's not Real Housewives of Miami).
Instead of doing a play-by-play, let's run down the top ten moments of the show (in no particular order):
1. Gail still has the hots for Mike Isabella's pepperoni sauce. If she didn't get married last year, we bet she'd be making out with Mike for the pepperoni sauce. After all that talk, I need some pepperoni... uh... sauce right now too!
2. Andy Cohen asks Antonia what it was like to lose to Mike by one bite. Antonia says something about how it was better than losing to a whole meal... Hey, Antonia? That's bullshit! It sucked to lose to Mike by a bite or anything else! You're the hammer! You're supposed to crush your enemies with your mind like Charlie Sheen!
3. Speaking of Mike and Antonia, during the Ellis Island episode, Mike and Antonia learned that they're cousins. Then Antonia losing to her cousin has to suck doubly bad!
4. Jen Carol has to watch clips of herself ranting, throwing tantrums, and getting hissy with the judges. Her look of sheer embarassment is priceless!
5. Dale makes fun of Angelo's metrosexualness and his crotch-hugging pants. When questioned to describe Angelo's fashion style, Dale replies "Aqua Man"!
6. Speaking of Angelo, we're treated to outtakes of Angelo and Mikey making eyes at each other and sneaking off to make out. Oh look -- Fabio and Richard are doing the same thing! No wonder why Angelo's crotch is too tight!
7. Gail is asked would you rather go out with Fabio, Angelo, or Spike... she takes Spike. When Padma is asked the same question, she says Antonia Casey or Elia -- is Padma done with men and dipping into the lady pond?
8. We now get to Jaime and her whining and being MIA. She's in the hospital, she's hiding under the table, she's in Barcelona for the running of the bulls... Jamie's explanation is that she has a very small thumb and she's a very small person. You go to the hospital for two stitches in your thumb? Hey, Jaime, guess what else is too small? Your brain!
9. The chefs nicknamed Antonia "The Black Hammer" because of the fact that every chef that she roomed with or worked with got thrown off. Antonia thinks it's coincidence. Dale thinks it's the curse of "The Black Hammer."
10. In an interview with several news outlets, Elia said, "Tom Colicchio is someone who's not about the food anymore. He's about corn syrup and corn-fed beef on the menu." Andy says "You called him a sellout." and Elia agrees.
Elia says he shouldn't have done a commercial for Diet Coke. Tom says he drinks and sells Diet Coke and there's no reason to draw a line. Elia said she went back into Tom's kitchen and spoke to his sous chef. Tom is all like, "Oh no you didn't."
Elia says if you buy only grass-fed beef, you could do more for small chefs and farmers. Tom says that he runs a steak house and that if you don't serve corn-fed beef, no one will come. Tom says he's been to some of the cheftestants' restaurants, and he doesn't comment (which means he thinks they suck, probably).
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Tom says if you're a young chef, watch what you say to the media. Andy asks her to retract her statement, and she says she'll stand by her comments.
Well, Elia, we hear McDonald's is hiring 50,000 new employees next week. Of course, it feeds only styrofoam to its cattle, but at this point, what's the difference? You're never working in a serious kitchen again.