It's pretty safe to say that yesterday must have been a humbling experience for the young Justin Bieber. He learned a thing or two about driving on Miami Beach, about the level of cop power they have down there, and that drag racing in a relatively wealthy neighborhood is a straight-up stupid idea.
But who hasn't acted like a load of crap when they were 19? Not us; we're perfect. That's why we, along with every other person in the world, plan on judging the shit out of Bieber. Presumably, parents will be blocking all things Biebs from their computers (they can do that, right?) and looking for the next clean young thang in music to pander to their tweens.
So let's assume right now that Justin Bieber's career is over. He's like fucking Juliette Barnes, but IRL. Thus, we decided to start our own search for the appropriate Bieb-alike to replace the fallen star. We took into consideration talent and hair. Continue for Bieb Part Deux.
Before we begin, there's this:
Think about it a moment, and let's move along.
1. Austin Mahone
Well, this one is really a no-brainer. Austin Mahone is totally early Biebs. He's wholesome with the tiniest edge. Just enough to get the young lasses squealing with wonderment. Mahone's got a lot of magnetism too, and talent. He can sing and dance. He's no Chris Brown, but he just may be a Justin Bieber.
These aren't the only Biebery qualities he has that are necessary to replace this prince of pop. He has good hair, and he's living in Miami. So when he becomes as big as Bieber, he'll know drag racing in a busy tourist area is a no-no. Drag racing period is a no-no. Come on, now.
Also, he just started working out, so, by the time he's like 18, he just might be a delightful beefcake with talent, beating Bieber for top dawg in a teenybopper world.
2. Tegan in Tegan and Sara
Sure, you say, Tegan and Sara have been around for like ever. But if you haven't noticed, they've revamped their image from indie folk to straight-up pop stars. They're even touring with Katy Perry now. Maybe Tegan, adorable as she is, could be a possible next Bieber? Yes, she's a lady, but she's got the hair, oh the hair! And, of course, is musically gifted. Think about it.
3. Greyson Chance
This young man has the cherubic face of a future out-of-this-world huge star. He has the whole humble beginnings story, like JB, and 51 million hits on his most popular YouTube video, like JB.
Chance was discovered singing like a lady (Gaga) on the interwebs, but this young guy has a lotta something on Justin. He's got a piano and knows how to play it, and he's got better vocal range. Also his music is less geared at babies. He's like the indie Bieber.
4. Elyar Fox
Like Chance, Elyar Fox is another Ryan Seacrest-created internet sensation. And for covering "Boyfriend." This one's British, so he's got an electronic-pop thing going on in his newest pop song, "Do It All Over Again." We have a feeling Avicii's already got plans for this guy. We hear his creepy, Swedish paws rubbing together right now in anticipation.
5. An Horse's Kate Cooper
OK, so this music is infinitely more listenable than much of the pop crap around. But isn't Kate Cooper like a cute, Aussie blond Bieber? We thinks yes.
Bieber may look like a lesbian, but he ain't. And that's no fun. Let's take it all the way home, world. It's a '90s kinda world, and boy pop stars are just so '70s.
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