If there's anything that we at New Times know how to do, it's party. And if there's anything you should seek our advice on, it's how to ring in the new year. Because, folks, let's be real: This is the most important decision you will make all year.
Selecting the perfect place to celebrate New Year's Eve is about as life-altering as which college to attend or when to have a baby. What happens on December 31 determines your good or lame fortune over the next 365 days. It's true. Ask a scientist or a Mayan.
Fortunately for you, we've done all the legwork and tastemaking. We have hunted down all the good parties, from the most glamorous to the cheapest. So do yourself a favor and take our advice. You might wake up with a stranger snoring beside you and one helluva hangover, but at least you'll know this year won't be a sexless one for you yet again.
Remember, all these happen on Monday, December 31.
War of the Worlds Block Party. With Jacuzzi Boys, Resolvers, Parallels, Astrea Corp, Killmama, Casey Hopkins Duo, Walk of Shame, and Killbillies. 8 p.m. in the 500 block of Clematis Street, West Palm Beach; visit nye500block.com. Tickets cost $10 to $75. Age 21 and up.
Now that you've survived the Mayan apocalypse, it's time to battle it out with the aliens. Scheduled to touch down on New Year's Eve, it seems the little green men have a taste for psych rock and block parties. Who knew? Perhaps this would've helped Mulder and Scully in proving their existence.
Humans, not aliens, will transform the 500 block strip of Clematis Street into an alien invasion zone, complete with live music from the Jacuzzi Boys, Astrea Corp, and the Casey Hopkins Duo. Expect confetti canons, a laser light show, and go-go dancers slathered in body paint. You know, all the necessities for when aliens attack. But remember, when the clock strikes midnight, you might want to think twice before kissing the stranger next to you.
Kid Rock DJ Set. 9 p.m. at Passion Nightclub, 5701 Seminole Way, Hollywood; call 954-321-3443, or visit passionnightclub.com. Tickets cost $75 to $4,000, plus fees. Age 21 and up.
Despite not wanting to buy his records, we can't help but be curious about what a Kid Rock DJ set might include. Will his playlist be all country rock goes dubstep? Will he manage to throw in his own music? Maybe a few Yelawolf songs, including the one he's featured on? Can he actually spin records, or is he a poser who uses an iPod playlist? So many things that need answering! Thankfully, his post-NYE concert party at Passion Nightclub will offer the big reveal. Instead of champagne, you'll toast in 2013 with Kid Rock's own brand of beer, American Badass.
Millionyoung. With Riot Act, Boxwood, and DJs Andie Sweetswirl, Damask, and Esoteric. 9 p.m. at Green Room, 109 SW Second Ave., Fort Lauderdale; call 954-449-1030, or visit greenroomlive.com. Tickets cost $5 to $25. Age 21 and up.
Hipsters, unite! There is a non-mega club NYE party waiting for you and your fixed-gear riding sweetheart. Not interested in poppin' a bottle of Cristal? Don't worry; you can down all the PBR you want instead. Not in the mood for house music? Good news — this party will consist only of all the indie rock and ironic '90s hip-hop jams your heart desires. Warning: You might want to pack a helmet, because once midnight rolls around, 1,000 bouncy balls will be dropping from above.
NYE 2013 Dirty Disco Ball. 10 p.m. at Exit 66 Nightclub, 219 S. Fort Lauderdale Beach Blvd., Fort Lauderdale; call 954-357-9981, or visit itsbetteronthebeach.com. Tickets cost $10 to $720, plus fees. Age 21 and up.
Now's your chance to travel back to a better time, when John Travolta reigned supreme and the hustle was everyone's go-to dance move. Don't be shy. Wobble in to Exit 66 on your platform shoes, and try not to trip over those polyester bell-bottoms on your way to the dance floor. Hopefully, at midnight you'll find your own Tony Manero to smooch under the glittering disco ball.
Paris Is Burning. With Oscar G., DJ Ruen, and Donnie Lowe. 9 p.m. at Pangaea/Gryphon, 5711 Seminole Way, Hollywood; call 954-581-5454, or visit gryphon-club.com. Tickets cost $60 to $120 plus fees. Age 21 and up.
If there's anyone from the past that we'd love to party with, it'd have to be Marie Antoinette. Known for her wild celebrations, expensive taste, and gambling, there's no doubt in our minds that she would have been a kick-ass NYE date. We're pretty sure there won't be any beheadings at this fete, but we can promise you'll be praying for a guillotine the following morning.
One Night in Bangkok. With DJ David Knapp. 8 p.m. at the Manor Complex, 2345 Wilton Drive, Wilton Manors; call 954-643-3833, or visit themanorcomplex.com. No cover. Age 21 and up.
Wait, what's that you say? A New Year's Eve party that isn't going to charge us $100 just to get in the door? And you don't even have to be on some sort of super-special VIP list? Could it be? We know, it's crazy. Enjoy the culture and delights of Bangkok without even having to lift a finger. Unless, of course, it's to pick up a cocktail or a man. Then you might want to put a little effort in.
The Great Gatsby Roaring '20s Celebration. 8 p.m. at Blue Martini, 2432 E. Sunrise Blvd., Fort Lauderdale; call 954-653-2583, or visit bluemartinilounge.com. Admission is $15 to $400. Age 21 and up.
Boardwalk Empire obsessed? Don't be shy; you know you're developing a strange crush on Steve Buscemi. At Blue Martini this NYE, indulge in all your flapper fantasies and imagine that liquor is still illegal and sexy and that doing the Charleston can get you laid. When the ball drops, you'll be smooching the Jay Gatsby of your dreams. Bonus: For all those designated drivers out there, you'll get a discounted admission price just for staying sober. We know it sounds boring, but starting off the new year with a DUI is not aces.
Pablo Francisco. 7 and 10 p.m. at Fort Lauderdale Improv, 5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood; call 954-981-5653, or visit improvftl.com. Tickets cost $25 with a two-drink minimum. Age 21 and up.
New Year's Eve doesn't have to be only about poppin' bottles in da club or maxing out your credit card on VIP tables. We know it sounds fun, but is that really the best way to start a new year? So while your friends go broke and fight the masses on the dance floor, you can kick back and take in the cracks of comedian Pablo Francisco. Known for his spot-on impressions and high-energy sets, he will have you pissing your pants at midnight. Hey, we don't judge.
City of Fort Lauderdale Downtown Countdown. 4:30 p.m. at SW Second Street and SW Fifth Avenue, Fort Lauderdale; call 954-828-5363, or visit fortlauderdale.gov. No cover. All ages welcome.
Having the kids might seem like a bummer at first, but we promise you won't have to stay in to watch Ryan Seacrest do the Times Square countdown. Instead, spend NYE with the entire City of Fort Lauderdale! With fireworks, live music, and stuff to wear out the kids, you can bet all of you will be ready to pass out by the end of the night.
The World Is Not Enough. 9 p.m. at America's Backyard, 100 SW Third Ave., Fort Lauderdale; call 954-449-9659, or visit myamericasbackyard.com. Tickets cost $25, plus fees. Age 21 and up.
Kissing everyone around you in only one time zone is so last year. The hot new 2013 trend is doing it in four different ones, specifically New York City, Cairo, Rio de Janeiro, and Tokyo. But forget a private jet; America's Backyard is doing the time-zone-hopping for you, figuratively. We're not totally sure how it's going down, but you won't even notice where you are once you've started indulging in the open bar.