Audio By Carbonatix
Is anything sweeter than watching LeBron Fucking James and Ray Goddamn Allen metaphorically mash the collective face of the Milwaukee Bucks into a gravel pit of defeat? Sure, there are myriad victories to come. But this is the Miami Heat’s first in a methodical Sherman’s March decimation of the NBA and successful defense of the Throne.
The only thing that could seemingly make this scenario any better would be freakin’ Rihanna sittin’ front-row with some big-ass fly-girl hoop earrings and her weight in Heat bling. Well after last night, Heat fans might need to pause the perpetual group sing along of “We Are The Champions” for another Queen tune: “Bohemian Rhapsody,” the classic glam-prog opus featuring the core existential ponderance, “Is this real life or is this just fantasy?”
See also
– Rihanna & A$AP Rocky – BB&T Center, Sunrise – April 20
– PHOTOS: Rihanna and A$AP Rocky at BB&T Center
– The Definitive Rihanna Guide to Smoking Reefer
– Rihanna’s Hairstylist Yusef Williams Says She’s “the One That Rocked My World”
Burnie’s Boys sure did layeth the smacketh down upon dem Bucks. And you can bet your Instagram feed that Bad Girl RiRi was hanging hard and decked to the nines in Heat paraphernalia.
Alas, we doubt like Thomas after the Resurrection. Does the pop superstar really give a coco loco about Dade County’s lone respectable sports franchise? Or does Rihanna have ulterior motives?
Our first suspicion was certainly scandalous but also disappointingly commonplace: Is Rihanna a fair-weather fan? Does she only care about King James and D. Wade because they are the new Jordan-Pippin? But then Ri’s emphatically lewd gestures made us consider the possibility that her courtside cameo might have actually been part of a coverup campaign to conceal her pregnancy with the spawn of Chris Brown for as long as possible. The Internet has been abuzz with rumors that the “Diamonds” singer is straight-up knocked-up and that’s why she’s been cancelling tour dates left and right. Rihanna’s camp has been tight-lipped which has only fueled the gossipy flames, which means that if she is actually with child, her brand managers are not ready to make a formal announcement. So maybe this appearance was supposed to signify the fact that Breezy Junior is nowhere near a reality. She certainly doesn’t look preggo in that pic of her making lewd cunnilingus gesture, does she?
Honestly, while the two aforementioned theories are way more exciting, we kinda think Rihanna may just like sports. She did just inspire a large chunk of the Canadian population to post pictures of themselves wearing Ottawa Senators jerseys and no pants.
