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The Melvins' Plan Guinness World Record Tour: Five Reasons We Wanna See Them

Our favorite band of proto-grunge hairballs are hitting the road again -- which isn't really news, as the Melvins are known for their rather prolific travels. Their old tour transport, known as "the Melvan," was just up for sale, complete with Kurt Cobain's artwork as decoration. However, the band is looking to make it into the actual record book with this specific jaunt. "King" Buzz Osborne and company plan to bring the Melvins Lite trio of himself, drummer Dale Crover, and upright bass player Trevor Dunn (Mr. Bungle) to each and every state in the U.S. in a time span of 50 days -- making the band the Guinness World Record holder for "the Fastest Tour of the United States." 

The routing includes stops in Hawaii and Washington, D.C., and will be in support of the most recent incarnation of the band's newest release, Freak Puke

The bad news here is that South Florida will yet again miss out on the fun, with the band's Florida date being scheduled in Pensacola. We suppose the blow of being skipped over for a date on the band's potentially historic tour is softened, ever so slightly, by the absence of Big Business' drum beast Coady Willis and Buzzo's bass wielding, big-haired brethren Jared Warren on this tour. While Freak Puke is certainly a cool album and a new sound from a band that has done nothing but evolve since its inception, there's nothing quite like the double-drum attack of Willis and Crover backing up Buzzo and Warren. 

Join us -- if you please -- as we attempt to drown our sorrows from being overlooked with a few of our favorite Melvins moments on YouTube. Tour dates are linked at the bottom of the page. 

We begin our sulk session with some comedy to hopefully help us out of our funk. In this now -classic YouTube clip, King Buzzo explores the world of homeownership while riffing on the band's unfortunate status as "cult heroes" that have inspired countless more successful acts.

2. Get it?
Of course one of the most outlandish-sounding bands in rock music creates music videos that help accentuate the already twisted realm its sound brings you to. If you're reaching for meaning in this footage, we believe this comment from YouTube sums it up perfectly: "There's nothing to get. It's Melvins."

3. Fuck It, We'll Do It Live
All right, we're back to being really bummed about not seeing them in South Florida, and as such, we've found our way to the live footage, much like a jilted lover tends to creep through old photos of what was. The heft of the opening track from the Boner Records classic Bullhead is something to stand back and be consumed by. 

4. Two Headed Boy
The sludgy assault of "Boris" has segued our sadness into anger, and well, that's just not cool with us. We understand why we're being skipped. We're far away, we're kind of a wishy-washy part of the country when it comes to show turnouts, and traveling all the way down here won't help the band's world record attempt in any way, shape, or form. We get it. So we're going to focus on what we wouldn't be missing out on either way: The incredible two-headed drum monster that is Dale Crover and Coady Willis. In this video, they do crazy stuff with their shared drum set in a "drum off" with a man in a suit who obviously doesn't play drums. 

5. Mastodon
OK, one last "bit" of live footage before we go write a sad letter to Buzz, begging for him to 
bring to bring the full lineup to South Florida in the spring. Here's one of the many bands influenced by Melvins' records, Mastodon, playing what may have been the heaviest song of the '90s, "The Bit," with their heroes. Lucky bastards.

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David Von Bader

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