Sports

We've Created the Unofficial Drinking Game of the Miami Dolphins 2021 NFL Draft

Have another beer, it'll make you feel better.
Have another beer, it'll make you feel better. Photo by Ian Witlen
The Miami Dolphins have given their fans plenty of reasons to drink over the years. Unfortunately, more often than not, the drinking has been to take the pain away.

When it comes to the NFL Draft, there have been plenty of instances in recent memory that have called for a drink. Last year, the Dolphins landed quarterback Tua Tagovailoa with the fifth-overall pick, a selection that was universally lauded as an overwhelming success. All around South Florida, beer glasses clinked in celebration. Finally, everyone could agree that the Dolphins got it right.

That brings us to tonight's first round of the 2021 NFL Draft, which will take place at 8 p.m. After some movement via trades, the Dolphins currently are slotted to select sixth and 18th overall. Prepare your alcohol, Dolphins fans. We're going in.

Good or bad, you can bet Dolphins fans will be drinking tonight. So why not turn it into a game? Ladies and gentlemen, we present you with New Times' handy-dandy guide to drinking during a Miami Dolphins draft.
Drink two White Claws if the Dolphins make another trade in the first round. Like trading up or down in the first round, some might find drinking two White Claws to be a good idea, while others will find it absurd. Whatever the Dolphins do, if they somehow make a third trade in the first round of this year's draft, we're all getting shit-faced on hard seltzers.


Like they say: There ain't no laws when you're drinking Claws. I'm not really sure why I brought up the fact that people say this, but this list item felt incomplete without it.
Take a shot every time ESPN goes to a commercial when it's the Dolphins' turn to pick. Any Miami Dolphins fan will tell you it's practically tradition at this point for ESPN to take a commercial break when it's the Dolphins' turn to make a selection. What started out as a funny conspiracy theory has been proven over the years as a real thing that continues to happen.

The sixth-overall pick seems like prime commercial time, too. Five picks seem like a good time to take a break. Get your shot glasses ready, folks.
Drink straight from a bottle of Jack Daniels if the Dolphins take Penei Sewell with the sixth pick. Any Dolphins fan will tell you the team has been attempting to fix its offensive line longer than some college-aged Dolphins fans have been alive. Last season, the Dolphins spent three high picks on fat guys to protect Tua. Now, some believe they may use their sixth overall pick on another lineman if Oregon's Penei Sewell drops into their laps.

Sewell looks like a generational talent. It's likely a good pick. Dolphins fans are not trying to hear that, though. If it happens, tilt a bottle of Jack to the sky in honor.
Shotgun a Bud Light if the Dolphins draft Florida tight end Kyle Pitts. By now, it's no secret that most teams in the NFL consider Florida Gators tight end Kyle Pitts the best non-quarterback prospect in the draft. He's a super-freak athlete who has the size of an elite tight end but the speed of a deep-threat wide receiver. Getting Pitts on the field for Tua Tagovailoa will increase the likelihood he succeeds in his second year by ten-fold.

If the Dolphins land the best player in the draft with the sixth pick after moving back from a third pick they only have because of a savvy trade they made with the Texans long ago, shotgun an entire Bud Light to the dome. If you don't want to drink it, just shower yourself in it.
Do a shot of moonshine if the Dolphins take an Alabama player. As far as NFL teams go, the Miami Dolphins have quickly become Alabama South. With former Crimson Tide quarterback Tua Tagovailoa as the face of the franchise, there is no team that feels more like the best team in college football than the Phins.

The number of Alabama players on the roster is likely to rise, as the Dolphins are projected to take at least one of the Tide's stars tonight. If they do, you're required to throw back a shot of moonshine, just as they do in Bama.
If the Dolphins pick a player from Wisconsin, smash a Milwaukee's Best beer against your head, then shotgun it. The Dolphins love them some Alabama players, but they also low-key love Wisconsin Badgers. Specifically, the Dolphins seem to have a very niche fetish with Wisconsin linebackers, of which they currently have two.

Linebacker Andrew Van Ginkel is currently one of the best up-and-coming players on the Phins' roster. Linebacker Vince Biegel joined the Dolphins in a trade from New Orleans in 2019. Will Jack Sanborn be next? Prepare your Milwaukee Best brewskis!
Take a sip of a beer from Funky Buddha every time they mention "getting Tua weapons." If there's one singular thing the Miami Dolphins need to do going into tonight's draft, it's finding playmakers to surround Tua Tagovailoa on the football field. Please, help this man. Everyone knows it's the plan. The Dolphins need at least two additional offensive players — likely a wide receiver and running back — to give Tua a chance at looking much better in his second year in Miami.

The fact that the Dolphins need more offensive weapons will be mentioned early and often tonight. Take a swig of your Funky Buddha beer when it happens.
Do a shot of tequila every time someone mentions Ted Ginn Jr. In Miami Dolphins draft history, there is truly one name that rules them all: Ted Ginn Jr. Well, technically just one. Any Dolphins fan will remind you that his entire family comes with him.

Back in 2007, everyone figured the Dolphins would take Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn if he slipped to the Dolphins pick. He did, and they did not do that thing. Instead, they took a skinny wide receiver out of Ohio State. Technically, the Dolphins made the right choice. Quinn was terrible in the NFL, and Ginn is still playing.

Even if it kind of worked out, the fact that the Dolphins threw fans such a curveball in the moment will never be forgotten. Down a few ounces of tequila to commemorate the time.
Drink a piña colada every time they mention Tua and the offseason. Tua Tagovailoa looks jacked compared to this time last season, which makes sense because this time last year he was recovering from a broken hip. Much was made of the fact that Tua was coming off a hip injury, but not enough was said about COVID canceling all team offseason activities and the preseason. This year, Tua got all that, and it should show on the field.

When the analysts and local media bring up the fact that Tua looks like he's been drinking whey shakes, drink a piña colada in celebration of what's to come this season. The real Tua will get a chance to prove himself.
Drink your favorite adult beverage when it's finally over. The NFL gets the draft wrong in so many ways — most notably, the timing of the whole thing. Many fans wait almost five months after their team's last game to see who will be chosen. The NBA, by comparison, gets to it fast.

The fact that the wait for the NFL Draft is coming to an end is reason enough to drink. It means the season is right around the corner. Cheers to that. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi