If you combined The Purge with Jingle All the Way, you'd not only have a very dead Sinbad -- let's face it, he'd be the first to go -- you'd have Black Friday.
And as thousands of bloated Americans finish their last slice of pumpkin pie with a sticky fork, thousands more will be finishing the elderly lady who jumped in between them and the last iPad with a rear naked choke.
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But what, exactly, is the most hellish place to shop for bargains during the holiday season?
Clearly there are two contenders: The Apple Store and IKEA.
Most mentally stable citizens would rather go on a beer run in Chernobyl than deal with that shit.
So let's pit these two contenders against each other in a five-round battle to see which sucks more.
Round 1: Customer Service
Ding, ding, bitches!
In round one we'll compare and contrast the costumer service of these two stores. In case you didn't know, IKEA is a Swedish company, and Apple, of course, hails from the good ol' U.S.A.
There is perhaps no better way to illustrate these two country's differing philosophies than to examine the customer service of these two very different stores.
In one corner: The Swedish lifestyle, one of cold solidarity -- where ice and a pet whitefish named Hampus are a boy's only companion through a dark existence of hiding from wolves -- is reflected in IKEA's customer service.
You shall retrieve your furniture alone. Lug it to the cashier alone. Go home to your studio apartment where you will assemble it, once again, alone, because all your friends have convenient dentist appointments.
And then, just when you are mere steps from finishing your desk and the taste of victory starts to swell in your cheeks, you are dragged back into the chilly abyss when you discover you have misplaced a very small but very important screw.
There is no God, you realize as your furniture collapses onto your ankles.
In the other corner we have the Apple store (aka America, bitch). The land of excesses.
300 blue shirt-wearing employees dart around the store, doing their darndest not to help you. They all have iPads, which we assume they use to communicate your location to each other so they can all ignore you as a team.
And if all that rejection doesn't do the job of letting you know how inferior you are to them, they've decided to call themselves geniuses. Oh, and if you accidentally leave your Facebook account logged in at an Apple store, there's a 74% an employee will make your status: 8===)
This round isn't even close. Apple has the worst customer service.