Ethical Eating

Five Reasons Why Your Pizza Delivery Driver Hates You

So, you're too stoned/lazy to muster the energy to actually leave the couch. You' fail to shop regularly, leaving nothing in the fridge but a shaved carrot, a sad little package of walnuts, and some lettuce that was wilted over a week ago. 

You know exactly what you're doing (again): picking up the phone and ordering a pizza. Then doing another bong hit and watching some Family Feud until the doorbell rings. 

Or maybe you're a single parent and you need something hot and fast to

shove in Jimmy and Tina's little gaping maws, seeing as they're famished

from soccer practice. 

Just try to remember this salient point: Someone else is bringing your food to you. Not from across the room, from across town


don't know why waitresses get bigger tips than us," says one weary

delivery chica. "After all, I'm using my own car to get to the

customer's house, whereas a waitress only has to get to the restaurant

and from table to table -- without any extra expenses like gas, car

insurance, cell phone...

"These are the five main reasons we get aggravated," continues our intrepid pizza courier, who supports herself and her young daughter primarily on your generosity, buster. 

Five gripes from the person who basically saves your life when she comes a-knocking:

1. You're cheap. 
If you can't tip properly, then you should keep eating ramen. "Tips should range from 15 to 20 percent of the order amount," says our deliveress. "If you can't afford to tip at least 10 percent, you can't afford to have your pizza delivered. Don't forget, we come to your door in our car. Cook at home or pick it up yourself!" 

2. You scrounge for cash.
"Don't make us wait at the door (or out in the rain!) and then not have your money at hand. We get paid less than minimum wage while we're on delivery. Time is money, honey!" 

3. Your parking lot is an obstacle course.
"If your parking situation is bad, please cooperate and come down to the car! Don't make us walk for miles or have to find and pay for a meter!"
4. Your dog is annoying.
"Keep your dogs in the house! We don't want to be licked, barked at, or jumped on -- or get our clothes dirty." 

5. You disappear.
"When you place your order, please make sure you give us a number where we can get a hold of you in case we need to call regarding your order or address."

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Jeff Stratton
Contact: Jeff Stratton