Yucca Clearly Shouldn't be Roasted | Clean Plate Charlie | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Ethical Eating

Yucca Clearly Shouldn't be Roasted

There's nothing like buying something that I have no earthly idea what it might be. Normally even if the packaging doesn't have much English on it, I can deduct from the pictures what I might find inside. Whatever this is, I have no idea. There are literally four English words on the package "Net Weight and Gluten Free". There are also no pictures, drawings, or hints as to what this food might be. Peering out through the clear plastic window look to be anemic circus peanuts. You know those bright orange marshmallow-ish candies that actually taste like the color orange? Well these look like those, except they don't have the brilliant orange color, kind of like what would happen if Bunnicula got to them just before they were packaged. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what Cassini Biscoito de Polvilho might be, I decide to just open the package and try one out.

The bag smells like dog food. Exactly like the Science Diet Small Bites

I feed my dog: Musty, super processed salty dog food. I pick one up and

notice how light it is. It weighs as much as a cheese puff. When I try

to squish one between my fingers, I realize that it's much denser than

it looks, not easily crushed or even broken in half. I decide to stop

trying to apply the laws of physics to these snacks and pop one into my


Not at all surprisingly, it tastes exactly like it smells. I

immediately begin thinking of salty, sour milk as the washed out circus

peanut crumbles over my tongue. It has a healthy crunch, but that's

about the only thing this snack does right. The awful sour milk gives

way to a peculiar taste I can't quite recognize. After a few agonizing

moments, I realize it tastes like old plantain chips. After a few

minutes on an internet translator, I find out I've been eating a form

of baked yucca. Made with cassava flour, vegetable fat, eggs, refined

salt, milk powder, and integral flour soya, this treat clearly forgot

the most important part of any snack food: pleasant taste.

Who should eat this? Vampire rabbits, dogs, cats, pretty much any non-human.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Brett Gillin

Latest Stories