4

Yucca Clearly Shouldn't be Roasted

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of South Florida and help keep the future of New Times free.

There's nothing like buying something that I have no earthly idea what it might be. Normally even if the packaging doesn't have much English on it, I can deduct from the pictures what I might find inside. Whatever this is, I have no idea. There are literally four English words on the package "Net Weight and Gluten Free". There are also no pictures, drawings, or hints as to what this food might be. Peering out through the clear plastic window look to be anemic circus peanuts. You know those bright orange marshmallow-ish candies that actually taste like the color orange? Well these look like those, except they don't have the brilliant orange color, kind of like what would happen if Bunnicula got to them just before they were packaged. After a few minutes of trying to figure out what Cassini Biscoito de Polvilho might be, I decide to just open the package and try one out.


The bag smells like dog food. Exactly like the Science Diet Small Bites

I feed my dog: Musty, super processed salty dog food. I pick one up and

notice how light it is. It weighs as much as a cheese puff. When I try

to squish one between my fingers, I realize that it's much denser than

it looks, not easily crushed or even broken in half. I decide to stop

trying to apply the laws of physics to these snacks and pop one into my

mouth.

Not at all surprisingly, it tastes exactly like it smells. I

immediately begin thinking of salty, sour milk as the washed out circus

peanut crumbles over my tongue. It has a healthy crunch, but that's

about the only thing this snack does right. The awful sour milk gives

way to a peculiar taste I can't quite recognize. After a few agonizing

moments, I realize it tastes like old plantain chips. After a few

minutes on an internet translator, I find out I've been eating a form

of baked yucca. Made with cassava flour, vegetable fat, eggs, refined

salt, milk powder, and integral flour soya, this treat clearly forgot

the most important part of any snack food: pleasant taste.

Who should eat this? Vampire rabbits, dogs, cats, pretty much any non-human.

Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in South Florida.