Tom Segura Recounts a Florida Drug Deal Gone Weird
Tom Segura is no stranger to freakiness of Florida.
Photo by Jesse Grant
If jokes about a dude rubbing his balls on hotel curtains or receiving oral sex from Siamese twins make you twitch with discomfort, click away now; Tom Segura is not for you. If, however, either of these elicited even the faintest crack of a smile, you'll probably want to clear your schedule this Thursday. The raunchy comedian makes his return to Florida this week for a show at the Fort Lauderdale Improv.
Veteran comic Segura is a comedy name to watch, especially after the critical success of his 2014 one-hour special, Totally Normal. Alongside wife and fellow comic Christina Pazsitzky, Segura hosts the award-nominated podcast Your Mom’s House, churning out what they’ve dubbed “seventh-grade humor.” He also makes regular appearances on the Joe Rogan Experience and contributed two memorable bits on Comedy Central’s This Is Not Happening (his story about overdosing is a must-watch.)
We spoke to Segura ahead of this week’s show, and he was just as unabashedly honest and hilarious as he is onstage.
New Times: How often do people come up to you after a show and talk to you about something that offended them?
Tom Segura: It doesn’t really happen. It’s happened to me before. Most people do the opposite. They’ll either tell me or message me that they’re not touching their hotel curtains because of the joke I did. Stuff like that. I’ve had people get really upset over my career with stuff that I’ve said. But even that, you find that people aren’t that confrontational. People say, "If I saw that person, this is what I’d do." But what they like to do is complain about it in front of you to somebody else. They’ll be with their friend and be like, "Fuck that guy," and you’re like, "I’m right here."
Do you still get heckled?
Sometimes. Heckling is part of the art form. It doesn’t happen every show, and some hecklers are more tame and mild. Then there’s the asshole heckler. It still exists. You just try and put out the fire. One time I heard someone say: "Try to get funny and not angry." It’s kind of the best way to handle hecklers.
So your wife Christina is a comic, and the two of you host your own podcast. Are there times when something happens and she says, “Please don’t put that into your set,” or are you more competing in tormenting each other with bits?
I guess there is something of that line where you go, "I don’t know if I should say this," but honestly, when I think of a thing that shouldn’t be in my act, I don’t evade putting it in my act. I don’t know if that makes sense. If I’m thinking about saying it onstage, it’s probably OK to say it onstage; I mean, within our relationship. We don’t have that line, "Don’t talk about that." Because we’ve been doing standup for so long, we realized too, early on in our relationship, that we’re probably more sensitive to it... You need the stuff to talk about. Like when she talks about how when I turn over, I sound like a fucking buffalo in bed, she just tears me up with that. I’ve never been like, "Oh, I wish you wouldn’t say that." It doesn’t hurt my feelings.
So you guys were already comics when you met. In your last special, you talk about faking it — how once people get married, all the pretense falls away and they reveal their true selves. When did you guys stop “faking it" — before or after you were married?
That’s a great question. It was definitely before. I would say you definitely have the "
Christina is pregnant with your first child, a boy. As he grows up, how much “brown talk” [bathroom-related humor] do you expect from him, considering it’s a favorite topic of discussion for Mom and Dad?
You know, I think it’s gonna be a lot. We’re excited. I feel like there are brown households and then there are
Is there anyone in your life who’s like, “Dude, you’re not funny,” or thinks that they’re way funnier than you?
The funny thing is that there are some friends that they always think of you as the guy that just started standup. There were friends of mine that were around when I first started, and I feel like when I talk to them, they think I’ve made no progress in my career. I’ll be like, "I’m going to Fort Lauderdale to do a show." "Oh, who are you opening for?" And I’m like, "Dude, what? I’m the headliner." "Oh really?" "Yeah, man! I have been for like eight years. What are you talking about?" They just don’t want to acknowledge that you’re not where you were. I think it’s
Comedians love to make fun of Florida, oftentimes for good reason. But you lived here for a short while and went to high school in Vero Beach. Do you have any crazy experiences either as a resident or a visitor?
Florida is a wacky place. There’s something about the heat, the population size. People don’t realize it’s a huge state, and it attracts a lot of derelicts.
When I was in high school, I went to buy weed, which obviously is against the law. But still, we were getting weed — I wasn’t buying heroin. So we’re in Vero Beach, my buddy and I, and there’s that era in your life where buying weed is kind of like an adventure. It’s not as simple as walking up to somebody. You gotta
We get out of the car, a guy opens the door to a trailer — big, long dreads — his name was
He pulls out three guns, leaves them on his bed, and is like, "Just sit here. If anybody comes through, just blast them." And I’m like, "Uh-huh." Trying to play like that’s normal. He walks to the door, then stops, and says, "But don’t shoot my mom. If my mom comes in, don’t shoot her."
Did you finally get the weed?
Yeah, we got the weed. And it was bullshit weed too.
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8 p.m., Thursday, November 5, at Fort Lauderdale Improv, 5700 Seminole Way, Hollywood. Tickets cost $20 with a two-drink minimum. Visit ftl.improv.com.
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