Top 10 South Florida Tinder Photo Clichés
Tinder is a trip, man. For those who have been afforded the opportunity to get out there and get their swipe on in multiple states, there is no question that the variety and disparity of people looking for some action between different 38-mile radii is vast.
Much like an area develops a dialect, an area's Tinder profiles too possess a unique patois -- one that speaks to the nature of the place's activities and attractions. While one might expect a place as unhinged and unchecked as South Florida to boast a veritable buffet of what-the-fuck!? on Tinder, we've found quite the opposite.
There's an inexplicable homogenization going on down here. Each swipe digs deeper into a gallery of ultimately basic horny adolescents. We want you to get laid via the internet, so here are the top 10 Tinder profile clichés to avoid perpetrating to the tri-county area. We start with the women and then move on into the men -- this is a collaborative list, with help from music editor Liz Tracy. Also, these aren't just for straight folk. Gays also take note.
Foreigner w/ Cheap Trick and Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Experience
TicketsTue., Aug. 1, 7:00pm
Double Feature: Straight No Chaser/Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox
TicketsTue., Aug. 1, 7:30pm
Blondie & Garbage: The Rage and Rapture Tour
TicketsTue., Aug. 8, 7:00pm
Guns N' Roses: Not In This Lifetime Tour
TicketsTue., Aug. 8, 7:00pm
Lionel Richie: All The Hits With Very Special Guest Mariah Carey
TicketsThu., Aug. 10, 7:00pm
5. The Birthday Dessert Surprise
Let's be honest: There really is nothing more attractive than a blurry photo of someone receiving a gigantic dessert plate splattered with a name and age in chocolate syrup. On the upside, you really do look ravishing in the glow cast by that sparkler, and now I know that you enjoy the Cheesecake Factory as much as I do!
It's Florida -- everyone has been on a fucking boat and taken the token boat pic. It's not unique. It doesn't really say anything about your interests, and we know you don't own the thing. That is, unless you do, in which case, my college loans and I want you to take us out to dinner.
College is cool. Having an education is definitely sexy, but making your former alma mater the focus of your profile is really awkward for other grownups, especially those that didn't go to that school. Live in the now, bb. Also, if this is your high school mascot, that's a little too creepy.
2. Safety in Numbers
Why are there six people in your profile picture? Who are you? Why aren't you proud enough to stand on your own -- a singular, thirsty Tinderoni awaiting a swipe? Is this a ploy to get me to take a closer look at your profile? Is this a way of silently screaming how well-liked you are? Chill.
1. Distracting Animal
Almost everyone likes puppies and kitties, but having one in your profile pic isn't really helping here, it's just distracting from the task of seeking app-based lovin' and now sending me over to Buzzfeed to look at some 40 point list of reasons why otters should be domesticated.
The Dudes (as observed by our music editor, Liz Tracy)
5. The Big Fish
Similar to the distracting animal and boat pics is the big fish. Men tend to like to like to pose
with the limp, gasping corpse of a sea creature, usually shaped like a phallus. This makes them seem like adequate hunters who can feed your future family throughout the sweltering Florida winter. With rising sea levels, this may come in handy.
4. The Big Gun
Another symbol of penis on Tinder is the gun. And men who grasp rifles in their paws while smiling at the camera are pretty much the opposite of what I wanna go home with at the end of the night.
3. This Is My Mom
Sometimes, when I see the "this is my mom" photos, I think, maybe they just like older women? And then I get all excited and start swiping right.
2. Tindernational Hottie
Something guys do on these dating sites that they believe makes them look worldly -- and it's probably just an extensive Birthright trip -- is put photos up of themselves in exotic locales. The thing is, if they only put up one in like Egypt or Thailand, we'd be like all, "Right on, I like to travel too." But usually, these guys post like 10, it's almost bragging at that point.
We can fuck with that Heat shirt though.
1. Male Selfies
These apparently were proven not to work. Make a friend, and make that friend take your photo. Trust us, your best angle isn't from the mirror.
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