Holy smokes it's finally upon us. FOOTBALL SEASON OMAH GAHH. More to the point, the Dolphins are back. And this time, they're armed with a heck of a whole lot of analysts and experts picking them to actually, seriously, for-real make the playoffs this season. Some have even predicted them to win the AFC East, which is bananas when you think about it.
And for the first time in probably ever, all of America is rooting for the Dolphins to do just that what with that the Patriots wallowing in their Cheatgate fiasco. You can be the hero America wants — nay NEEDS — Miami Dolphins. Don't let America down!
So why all the excitement? Well, there are plenty of reasons. So let's stop all this dillydallying already and dive right into our annual Miami Dolphins Season Preview.
So why is everyone so damn excited?
Because, for the better part of a decade Dolphins fans have been all
But now after this offseason, Dolphins fans are all
And why is that, specifically?
Two words. Ndamukong Friggin Suh.
That's three words.
WELL THAT'S THE LEVEL OF MY EXCITEMENT!
Sorry. It's just that the Dolphins gave Suh the biggest contract ever to a defensive lineman ever and for good reason. He's a beast of a man. And he's expected to make the defense one of the best in the league by simply being so dominant. His name means House of Spears, for cripes sake.
Wow. That is exciting.
Tell me more about this "being excited about the Dolphins" thing.
Well, on the other side of things, the team has loaded up the offense with some strong targets for Ryan Tannehill. They got him a fantastic pass-catching tight end in Jordan Cameron, and added Greg Jennings from the Packers — one of the most precise route running receivers in the league. They also drafted beast-mode wide receiver DeVante Parker with their first pick.
Really? We're allowed to pick players that are not linemen?
WELL NOW I'M ALL
Yes! And yet, there's more! Because they've also got second-year receiver Jarvis Landry out there, who is arguably their best weapon right now.
The offense is stacked. But what about the offensive line? Will they be able to keep Tannehill from being murdered in the face this year?
So far so good. And Brandon Albert looks like he's healthy and ready to roll. So, expect Tannehill to have a big year.
This is insane. I can't take this much positivity over this team. It's too overwhelming. TELL ME MORE.
Well, this offseason, the big brains at Harvard University predicted that the Dolphins would make it to the Super Bowl this year.
Well, now I'm all
Yup! Harvard has the Dolphins being all
Ok, ok... this is getting ridiculous. I need something to bring me back down off the couch.
Well, sure. There are some negatives.
Whew! That's what we're used to around here. OK, like what?
Well, first off, theres the big brains at Five Thirty Eight who say the opposite of what Harvard says. They're giving the Dolphins only a 39 percent chance of making it to the playoffs and only a one percent chance to win the Super Bowl.
Yep. IT'S A NERD-OFF!
But what on the field can derail all these good vibes?
Well, the Dolphins secondary is quite iffy. And this team is one injury or one Ndamukong Suh suspension away from falling off the cliff.
And then there's Queazy Joe.
Yes. Joe Philbin. He's still our head coach and there's very little confidence that the man can get this team to the promised land if things start to go south.
But he recently did this:
Yes. Yes he did.
Well, doesn't that give the Dolphins enough motivation to win at least two games? I mean... c'mon!
Like it or not, we're very much at the mercy of three things: Health, luck, and Queazy Joe not vomitting up on himself and costing us a game or two.
Perhaps we're being too hard on Queazy Joe.
Maybe. But he scares us.
In what way?
OK... so... prediction for this season?
Hm... OK... Here goes.
The Dolphins will go 9-7 this year, and will make the playoffs via the Wildcard.
So, no division win?
Not this year. Barring Tom Brady's arms exploding off his body.
I know. But if the Dolphins do indeed win 9 or more games and make the playoffs, that's a HUGE win and something to build on.
Well, here's to hoping Harvard is right and FiveThirtyEight crashes and burns.
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Yes. And here's to Dolphins fans being all
But, you know. In a good way.