Miami Heat Wrecks Celtic Ass as It Earns Record 23rd-Straight Win
The Miami Heat walked into the all-consuming ocean of douche and insufferableness that is Boston's TD Garden Monday night and laid its record-setting 22-game winning streak on the line.
The Celtics were ready from the GO and came at the Heat with a furious effort that spawned a career night for Jeff Green and almost ended Miami's dream of being in the NBA record books.
But by the end of the night, as it has been in recent history when the Heat faces the Celtics, Boston would be left a smoldering, smoke-filled din of destruction, wafting plumes of ash and Jason Terry consumed in the thunderous wake of inescapable doom that is LeBron James.
The Celtics were without Kevin Garnett, who was sidelined with a stomach virus and oldness.
But not having their biggest douche didn't stop the C's from coming out firing on all douche-cylinders.
Green, Garnett's replacement, decided that he was going to be the Ahab to LeBron's Cobradick and came out playing out of his mind.
Green was relentless, shooting the ball 21 times and knocking down 14 of his shots. Sure, it was pretty efficient, and yes, the Heat defenders seemed to move out of Green's way when he attacked the basket as if he had slathered himself in gonorrhea before the game, but a guy that had heart surgery a few years ago and averages 1.3 points per game nearly single-handedly ruined the Heat's winning-streak.
And it would be just like Boston to have a scrappy no-name come up with a Godzilla-dick-sized performance to bring down the world champs. All that was missing was for Green to be white.
Green dropped 43 points on the Heat and had a first half for the ages.
The Celtics simply came out determined to throw a volley of haymakers till they vomited a cat. And the result was a 17-point lead for the C's and a raucous din of douche lustily cheering for the Heat's demise.
It was the Celtics, after all, who wrecked the Houston Rockets' bid to win 23 in a row back in 2008.
But the Heat have been down this road before. Miami found itself down by as much as 16 to New York during this streak and still managed to rip the Knicks another rectum.
And while LeBron wasn't necessarily in Game 6 Mode, he still had a serious look in his eye: the kind that said that it was enough already with all this nonsense and that it was time to club some ass and rip Celtic scrotums off their bodies and staple them to their foreheads.
So James -- who ended the night 16-for-29 with 37 points, including the game-winning bucket as Green covered him with ten seconds remaining -- walked outside into the freezing shitty Boston night, grabbed a police horse patrolling the parking lot, came back in, and threw the horse ass-first at the Celtics, with the cop still on it.
It was time to unleash the COBRADICK.
For some reason, ESPN has Jason Terry writing his own in-season diary.
Prior to Monday night's game, Terry was his usual dickhole self when it came to the Heat and the winning streak:
The question I have been asked the most lately is what do I think of the Heat's winning streak. My answer is I don't and I could care less... The Heat have LeBron [James] and Dwyane Wade and that is what makes them good. Other than that I don't know what makes them good...
And then, there's this:
If you ask me, I'm still mad about the '05-06 season. [Editor's note: Terry's Mavericks lost in the NBA Finals to the Heat.]. I should have two championships. Everyone knows what the Mavericks teams that I played on did when we beat them for the 2011 championship. So I don't bring it up. What I do is that I let my team know their weaknesses. I know ways to beat them. I won't share with everyone else what they are until that time comes.
And so the time did come for Jason Terry, knower of Miami's weaknesses and ways to beat them, to step up and share the big secret of how to defeat the Heat.
And then he was met by LeBron, who proceeded to declare "I AM BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS" before launching himself toward the basket with the Dunk of Annihilation.
Terry made a futile attempt at blocking the dunk and was left a roasted, burbling, shriveled, charred corpse on the court. The smoke from the carnage could be seen for miles:
The outpouring of sympathy for Terry's untimely demise came swiftly, with someone updating his Wikipedia page to let readers know he was dead:
The Google search engine also picked up the news as it became the top search for 'Jason Terry,' as millions of internet users looked to find out the cause of what destroyed him:
Celtics fans have long thumped their chest at the fight and resilience of their team -- their ability to suddenly muster might and mayhem against the Heat when it matters most. Sure, the Celtics have blown ass for most of the season. But when it came to ending the Heat's date with destiny, that's when the so-called Celtic Pride reared its haunches and attacked like a rabid creature from the depths of hell.
The Celtics rise to the occasion simply by virtue of being the Celtics. Entitlement in its purest form.
And yet, as it was two seasons ago in the playoffs and as it was last June when the Celtics hosted the Heat in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals while up three games to two, LeBron James rose up and reminded them that Celtic Pride is all good and fine against any other team.
But against the Heat, it is a hope-consuming gesture.
LeBron represents doom for the Celtics -- the physical embodiment of Celtic Pride being sucked into the empty black void of death, annihilation and ass-wrecking.
Jeff Green throws down 43 points?
Jason Terry talks some pregame shit?
Paul Pierce is hitting his shots?
As Ivan Drago once said: "He is not human. He is like a piece of iron."
The final score: Heat 105 - Celtics 103
Twenty-three wins in a row has Miami alone with the 1971-72 L.A. Lakers.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Boca Body Art Tattoo Parlor Owner Accused of Sexual Assault
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:00pm
Thu., Oct. 15, 7:30pm
Sat., Oct. 17, 12:00am
Sat., Oct. 17, 10:00am
- Fort Lauderdale Developer to Build 380-Unit, "Multifamily Project" Near New River
- John Morgan to Match Medical Marijuana Donations 9 to 1 For 2016 Ballot