In case you haven't noticed what with all the Miami Heat awesomeness lately, the NFL Draft is going down Thursday night.
And, as is pretty much the case every year, your Miami Dolphins have the 19th overall selection because nothing rewards mediocrity more than mediocrity.
The Fins have been going on what seems like 300 years of endless futility. And that is due, in large part, to some pretty abysmal drafts.
But take heart! Miami has a new GM now... His name is.... uh... well... It's not Jeff Ireland, so there's that.
Really though, it's Dennis Hickey. And some fans have taken to calling him The Silver Fox which is both inexplicable and borderline creepy. HE'S NOT GEORGE CLOONEY, YOU NUMBSKULLS.
Anyway, as it were, the Dolphins have had a crapload of horrifying draft picks over their long history, making compiling this list so damn difficult. Who do we leave in? Who do we take out? It's like Sophie's Choice if instead of children, Sophie had to choose between two filled colostomy bags.
So, here we go: The 10 worst draft picks in Miami Dolphins history!
See also: The 17 Worst Things to Happen to the Miami Dolphins
10. Jason Allen (2006, 16th overall) Super Amazing Football Genius Nick Saban was now in his second year as the man in charge of the Dolphins after Wayne Huizenga convinced Mrs. Saban that Miami wasn't such a scary place and had nice places to shop. In his second (and final) draft with the Dolphins, the man that is lauded as a secondary savant selected Allen who was sort of a hybrid corner/safety/kick-returner with the actual skill-set of none of those things. Super Amazing Football Genius Nick Saban bombed in selecting a player from the one position he knows best about, and then, ran away to Alabama to go yell at college kids because the NFL was too much for him.
9. John Avery (1998, 29th overall) Apparently Jimmy Johnson left all of his Draft Day super powers on a fishing boat somewhere when he came to the Dolphins from the Cowboys because holy rattledick JOHN AVERY!!! Know who the Dolphins could've had instead? Hines Ward. Or Ahman Green. Instead, Johnson apparently saw the next Emmit Smith in the tiny Avery and ruined everything. Avery went on to rack up a whopping 509 yards and ended his career with the Fins with more fumbles than touchdowns because, Dolphins.
8. John Beck (2007, 40th overall) When coming out of BYU, Beck was actually compared to Drew Brees and Steve Young by some draft experts, because apparently all you need to be a Hall of Fame Super Bowl-winning quarterback is to be short, white and Mormon. Beck was brought in to a QB-starved team and a QB-starved fan base immediately thought he was the heir apparent to Dan Marino and we just threw up in our pants writing this.......
7. John Bosa (1987, 16th overall) Alright, let's just put it out there at the risk of supreme blaspheme: One of the main reasons Dan Marino never got to win a Super Bowl was because Don Shula failed him as a drafter. Bosa is Exhibit A in the Crap Your Franchise Record Breaking Hall of Fame Quarterback Directly In The Mouth with bad draft picks. Bosa was a defensive end from Boston College who was supposed to come in and anchor a flailing defense to help Miami's super nova offense. In three seasons with Miami, Bosa finished with seven-total sacks, effectively kicking Marino's chances at a ring in the proverbial sacks.
6. Pat White (2009, 44th overall) Remember when Bill Parcells was brought here as the Grand Savior Of Salvation Because He Makes Mean Faces And Won Two Super Bowls With the Giants Even Though He Didn't Pick The Players But Is Given Credit For It Anyway? LOLOL .... Remember when he was enshrined into the Pro Football Hall of Fame? LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL. Anyway something something something Bill Parcells is a GENIUS something something... Pat White. PAT. WHITE.
5. Ted Ginn Jr. (2007, 9th overall) Ah Ted Ginn and the Ted Ginn Family. This is Cam Cameron's lasting legacy with the Miami Dolphins. At a time when Zach Thomas was retiring and the team had multiple needs (SOUND FAMILIARRRR??), Cameron inexplicably used a Top 10 pick on a punt returner because his family was super nice. And while many clamored for the Fins to select Brady Quinn, it was the whiffing on uber-badass linebacker Patrick Willis that set the team back yet another decade. And while Cam will be remembered for many atrocious things in his tenure with the Fins, none will stand out more than his draft-day speech when he tries to explain the Ginn pick to Dolphins fans by revealing what a supreme derpy doofus he is.
4. Eddie Moore (2003, 49th overall) For all the crap Dolphins fans give Jeff Ireland (and deservedly so), we must never forget the abysmal rhino ass stank of a tenure known as The Dave Wannstedt Era. Wannstedt inexplicably fell into the job after good buddy Jimmy Johnson decided to go all Roberto Duran on our asses and declared No Mas and bolted. What we were left with was a guy so middling, even his mustache was mediocre. His draft picks were even worse than his coaching (his mustache, however, was better than his coaching). Wannstedt essentially gave up all his picks to acquire Ricky Williams, and then proceeded to botch whatever picks he had left. One of the biggest being Moore, who was selected over Anquan Boldin and ended up being more famous for getting injured in a bar fight more than anything he ever did on the field -- which wasn't much. He played 18 games in total. Boldin, meanwhile, has won Super Bowls and is generally regarded as one of the biggest badass receivers in the league still.
3. Jamar Fletcher (2001, 26th overall) As bad as the Moore pick was for Wannstedt, it still wasn't his worst move. Not only was Fletcher a bad selection -- the draft tends to be one big crapshoot anyway -- he was the kind of selection that wrecks a franchise for years and years. With a dire need at quarterback following Marino's retirement, and a perfectly good future Hall of Fame QB from Purdue named Drew Brees sitting there waiting to be selected, Wannstedt instead went with Fletcher and essentially Hiroshima'd the Dolphins' chances at being awesome for decades (Saban would then drop the Nagasaki when going with Daunte Culpepper over Brees in free agency years later because, Dolphins). Making it even more exasperating was that the Dolphins DIDN'T EVEN NEED FLETCHER. With Patrick Surtain and Sam Madison on the roster, Miami was pretty loaded in the defensive backfield. They needed a quarterback of the future. But Wannstedt Gonna Wannstedt. Fletcher, meanwhile, played a total six career games for Miami.
2. Eric Kumerow (1988, 16th overall) Exhibit B in the Crap Your Franchise Record Breaking Hall of Fame Quarterback Directly In The Mouth with bad draft picks, in 1988 Don Shula wanted to shore up a defense to compliment his record-obliterating offense led by The Right Arm of God (a.k.a. Dan Marino). He tried to fix the mess he made by selecting defensive end John Bosa a year earlier BY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING the following year in taking Kumerow. Kumerow was an absolute bust. And while getting stronger at defense was a priority, Marino also needed a strong running game. Sitting there waiting to be selected: future Hall of Fame running back Thurman Thomas, who went to the Bills instead. Marino would never get a shot at getting an all-world runner again because, Dolphins.
1. Sammie Smith (1989, 9th overall) Did we mention that Don Shula screwed Marino with his draft picks? Did we also mention that Marino never had a great running back? Yes and yes. Which brings us to the Fins' absolute worst draft pick of all time Sammie F-ING Smith. He was selected 9th overall to be the Ying to Marino's Yang in a Super Bowl-caliber offense. Marino was wrecking the record books left and right, but couldn't get back to the big game because he had no running game. Enter Smith, who came in with the highest expectations and proceeded to spray old lady diarrhea all over everyone's hopes and dreams by having a career that featured more fumbles than touchdowns. He averaged 3.7 yards a carry, and never rushed for more than 830 yards in a single season. But what makes Sammie the worst ever was not one, but two plays. THE FUMBLES. In 1991, a prospective Super Bowl caliber Dolphins lost two painstakingly close games thanks to Sammie fumbling going into the end zone for the go-ahead touchdowns in back-to-back weeks. One against the Chiefs, and then against the Oilers the following Sunday. The Fins flopped to an 8-8 season, and Smith had to have a police escort take him home from Joe Robbie Stadium.
Because, Dolphins.
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