The Mai-Kai was a mini Polynesian theme park in the middle of Fort Lauderdale when Fort Lauderdale consisted only of a beach and a few condos. Except for some recent, hurricane-induced renovations, the restaurant hasn't changed much since its opening in 1956. Its over-the-top jungle décor, flowing rivers, and roadside torches remain. The drinks are your typical island-vacation fare, except for one: the "mystery drink," which might fail to be much of a mystery to devoted South Floridian fans after 50 years. Still, it's the only drink in the area that will get you and three friends noticeably hammered as — spoiler alert! — hot Pacific Islanders dance for you. If you keep drinking and decide to roam through the Mai-Kai's tropical gardens, be mindful of all those pesky waterfalls and rivers that totally come out of nowhere.

A ship set sail many moons ago. Across a harsh, turbulent sea, the vessel pushed forward. The rugged crew, tested by times of famine and poverty, was a surly but fun bunch. When the ship docked in local waters, it brought strange and exotic spices from the faraway land of "Pitts-berg." The ship's colors were odd: a mix of what the sailors referred to as "Black and Gold," and the crew spoke constantly of a set of great warriors they called "The Steelers." There were other ships with bigger, better weapons (and thousands of giant plasma screens), but those ships lacked the soul — the loyalty of a pack of lovelorn sailors in tropical exile. To witness such dedication — the clan generally worships on Sundays in the fall — is to peer at the fickle desperation deep in every seaman's heart. They say the shrieking sound of the pleas from the despairing men aboard would reduce even the most stoic admiral to tears. The ship eventually became known in legends as "The Wayward Sailor Pub." Yes, there might be shinier boats on the water, but none so pure and true as she.

The taxicab top in front of you at the stoplight advertises Scarlett's Cabaret. This is spotted as you drive to work, and you curse your keen detective eye, because maybe this Tuesday you wouldn't have been thinking of naked ladies during office hours. And now the unreasonable side of you already has you positioned in front of the main stage when doors open at noon, tucking a bill into... well, nowhere, because this is a full-nudity strip club. And full liquor bar. And hours are so reasonable that they can fit around anyone's work schedule. Scarlett's doesn't shut its doors until 6 a.m. Monday through Thursday and 8 a.m. on Friday and Saturday. The fact is (and any fact that involves strippers is a damned good fact) that once the bars close at Hard Rock and in downtown Fort Lauderdale, your partying won't be interrupted, because you know the procession of stripper after stripper never quits. Now that's a reason to get dressed in the morning, so sanctify this cycle of daily life: Wake up, put on clothes, find that damned cab, and take clothes off.

Remember penny candy stores? Save your allowance for a few weeks and you could pick and choose among hundreds of forms of sugar. By the end of the shopping trip, there would be 30 types of candy in your bag and some change left over for next time. Vino is the grownup version of that candy store. Purchase a Vino-branded smart card for $5, load it with as much as you'd like to spend, and you're ready to be transported to Willy Wonka's wine factory. More than 40 bottles of wine are hooked into high-tech machines designed to dispense happiness a taste at a time. Place your card into the slot above the wine of your choice, place your glass under the stainless-steel spout, and hit a button to get a taste, an ounce, or a glass of wine. Each wine is individually priced in three tiers, and the bottles start at $20, making it easy to afford a taste of the good life. You can bring the bottle home or drink it right there and pair it with some food. Vino is a wine lover's candy store, and it's time to get your inner child drunk.

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