Six Reasons Dan Marino Should Be Named the Miami Dolphins New Head Coach
photo: Joey Cortez via Flickr

Six Reasons Dan Marino Should Be Named the Miami Dolphins New Head Coach

Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has always tried to look forward when it comes to his football team. Yet he's very much been about aesthetic more than substance. Starting with the orange carpet and selling team stakes to C-list celebrities, all the the way through to those revolting new pseudo-pastiche uniforms and logo fans are now forced to stare at every Sunday -- Ross has forgotten what made the past Dolphins teams so great.

And now, following the Dolphins once again falling apart in December and failing to reach the playoffs, come rumors that current head coach Joe Philbin's days are numbered.

The favorite to land his spot remains the 49ers' Jim Harbaugh. But why keep trying to make a splash with the "big name coach" when the solution is right in our presence already?

Why not just hand the reigns to the greatest Dolphin of all and let him whip this franchise into shape?

We say Ross should name Dan Marino the new head coach of the Miami Dolphins so that the Fins can get back to being pure unadulterated badass, as opposed to what they currently are -- pure unadulterated ass.

Here are six reasons why Marino should become the new head coach:

Six Reasons Dan Marino Should Be Named the Miami Dolphins New Head Coach

6. He's Not Joe Philbin Look at that face. Look at the fire in those eyes. Look at the sheer determination and power of will. That's the face of a guy who players want to follow and run through a brick wall for.

Joe Philbin looks like a sad cartoon turtle.

The choice is pretty clear.

Six Reasons Dan Marino Should Be Named the Miami Dolphins New Head Coach
via Twitter

5. He Fixed Ryan Tannehill Who, People Forget, Really, Really Sucked Everybody loves Ryan Tannehill now. And for good reason. He's been pretty solid and has one of the highest completion percentages among quarterbacks in the NFL this season. Yet people forget that it wasn't always this way. Tannehill was an interception machine, threw terrible passes, and held on to the ball way too long. He didn't know how to look off safeties and had shriveled raisin nuts when it came to taking chances down field. And then Dan Marino stepped in, and suddenly Ryan Tannehill was magically turned into a solid starting NFL quarterback. This can't be overlooked.

According to a report in November on the Dolphins' official website, Marino took it upon himself to tutor Tannehill in the ways of being awesome.

"Dan has been great," Tannehill told the media at the time. "He's been around a lot as of recent. Watched tape with him. He's been in the QB room. He's a great resource to have around, just his knowledge of the game, obviously the success that he had during his career."

Added Tannehill: "He's always just pointing out little things on tape, whether it's a receiver's routes or something I'm doing. He's good at picking up little things and passing them along."

THAT'S COACHING. Everyone wants Jim Harbaugh to come down to Miami because he's a quarterback guru. But why overpay for that when you not only have a guy who can coach quarterbacks here, but who also happens to, you know, BE THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN PEOPLE.

4. He Doesn't Tolerate Suck

The one thing we remember about Dan Marino -- apart from his laser-rocket arm and his amazing ability to wreck ass -- was that he would get monumentally pissed at his teammates whenever they'd screw up. Be it a missed block, running the wrong route, or dropping a pass, Marino would stare a hole into a player anytime they fell short of his demigod-like demands. The man has always demanded the absolute best in himself and his teammates.

Look at his total freakout over the smallest thing like reading a teleprompter in that video. He nearly pulverized that news desk into a pile of fine dust and ash and made Len Dawson poop his pants on cable TV. That's the kind of kick-ass attitude this team has been lacking over the years. Someone who is fed up with all the suck and will punch a dick or two until things get better.

That video above is everything. THAT'S a leader, damn you. And that's what's sorely been lacking around here. When the Dolphins start doing that thing they always do where they play like shit, who do you want in that locker room, denting ass and punching cocks until guys start playing better?

Joe Philbin, a man that looks like a turtle when it's out of its shell?

Or Dan Marino, The Living Embodiment of God's Wrath?

3. He Can Be Don Shula's True Heir

The Dolphins have sucked for a long, long, long, long time. In fact, they've pretty much sucked from right around the time Marino retired and just before Don Shula left the game. Sure, they had some decent teams here and there and made the playoffs a couple of times since they've been gone. But for the most part, the Dolphins have been mired in the football cesspool known as mediocrity for the better part of two decades now.

While Marino's current role in the organization remains ambiguous, the fact is, his presence alone is far greater than anything the Dolphins have going for them in their front office or on the field. At the very least, his presence in the building probably scares the shit out of players to be better.

The Dolphins were never as dominant as when Shula -- a Hall of Fame ass-kicker in his own right -- was in charge. Shula drafted Marino. Yet since both left the organization, it's been all downhill. Marino becoming the true heir to Don Shula would not only be kismet, it would be a glorious bookend.

Six Reasons Dan Marino Should Be Named the Miami Dolphins New Head Coach
photo: Joey Cortez via Flickr

2. His Presence Means The Dolphins Can Be Legit Contenders For Free Agents It shouldn't be overlooked that Marino's face is well-known to all of football. And that could have a huge impact when it comes to the team trying to bring in talent. Who wants to come play for Joe Philbin's derp face? And Stephen Ross himself has often swung and missed on big-name coaches like Harbaugh and Jeff Fisher. Could he have landed one of them had Marino been in the room, instead of Ross' goofy face, failure incarnate Jeff Ireland, and a bunch of other people nobody knows? Ultimately, Harbaugh turned Ross down, and now is available for draft picks. Screw that. We have Marino in the building now. And, just as John Elway has been able to use his clout to bring talented free agents into Denver, so too can Marino bring in powerhouse players to surround guys like Tannehill, Jarvis Landry, and the other young talented guys.

Free agents the Dolphins are hot for will have to choose between Philbin's sad cartoon vulture face, or the guy who has his own damn statue at the entrance to the stadium. Even before free agents meet with Marino, they'd have to pass by that statue. That's as badass as it's ever going to get.

1. He Commands Respect

Look at that video (NSFW). The man has zero shits anywhere to give. None. Maybe he left all the shits in his luggage, or maybe he gave them to a homeless person. Either way, all the shits are gone and Dan Marino is a man who is plumb out.

Remember all the times Dolphins players have either called out Joe Philbin, or yelled at him on the sidelines in front of everybody?

Someone tries that with Marino, and he'll steel-toe them so hard their collective assholes will fly off of their body and stick to the wall.

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >