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The Five Least Romantic Places in Fort Lauderdale

Oh, Cupid. You're the only tiny man in a diaper besides our grandfather who can inspire us to love. But once a year, unlike our grandfather (I sincerely hope), you torture us with pointy objects.

On February 14, without fail, we wake with a poke, and there you are, standing above us holding your arrow and grinning like a lunatic (again, the similarities between Cupid and your grandfather should have ended by now).

See also: The Best Things to Do on Valentine's Day in Broward and Palm Beach Counties

You yank off the covers, pull us from our warm beds, and shove us out into the cold, where we will inevitably be reminded of what a loveless existence we live.

But, what if Valentine's Day didn't have to be sad?

Listen up, Fort Lauderdale, there's still hope! We're here to help guide you towards romance on Valentine's Day. And, while we've already been telling you what to do and where to go, we're going to take this opportunity to tell you where you should 100 percent, emphatically, under absolutely no circumstance go.

Here are the five least romantic places in Fort Lauderdale.

5. The Abandoned Pearl on Oakland Boulevard

While it was once a vibrant workshop where one could craft the perfect love letter, the abandoned Pearl Art & Craft Supply is now a serious contender for the setting of the next season of American Horror Story.

You might be tempted to break in and visit the glitter section. You know, for old time's sake. But children tell tales of the legend of Crafty Susan, the old Pearls cashier who some say still roams the aisles to this day. They say that once you make eye contact with her, you'll scrapbook until your fingers bleed! Just get a box of wine and watch Netflix damn it! It's not worth it!

4. The Spirit Airlines Terminal at Fort Lauderdale International Airport

Airports are only romantic if you're Drew Barrymore at the end of a movie. Sure, there's a lot of physical contact in the security line, but that's mostly non-consensual frisking fueled by racial profiling.

And there is no more unpleasant, spurned section of the Fort Lauderdale International Airport than the Spirit Airlines terminal. If you're not familiar with Spirit Airlines, just imagine an airline run by pubic lice. Now pretend that same airline specialized in flying people to the deepest circle of hell.

Yeah, that's Spirit.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer

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