Partying in Fort Lauderdale. It's like eating bread in Paris, surfing in Malibu, or being depressed in Moscow. It's just what the city was designed to best offer humanity.
Sure, there are reasons not to party in Fort Lauderdale. You have work tomorrow, you're broke, Hector is still actively looking for you. But the reasons you should party in this city surely outweigh whatever pathetic reasons you can come up with to not get drunk in the 954.
And if you're still on the fence about the whole thing, read a few of these reasons and you'll be out and about in no time. But put on a disguise first, because Hector is pissed, dude.
5. It's not Miami
Which means you won't have to wait an hour for a $40 martini only to have a Mountain Dew shoved in your face because you're apparently too ugly for top shelf liquor. Then on your way out of the bar, Justin Bieber runs over your girlfriend with his Rolls Royce while you get a parking ticket stapled to your eardrum.
Look, Miami, you're cool and everything, but sometimes we just want to kick back with a $4 beer, surrounded by only slightly vain people.
4. No dress code
Fort Lauderdale hasn't had a dress code since the Stranahan House implemented a strict no-nipple policy. There aren't too many places where you can wear sandals and a thong out without getting frostbite and a blemish on your arrest record.
This fine town frowns upon covering up. Sandals, shorts, it's all fair game around here. Nighttime is one of the few occasions when we can go outside without worrying about getting cancer. Try wearing a turtleneck out in Downtown Fort Laudy and see what happens. Eh, who are we kidding? You'll still get hit on.
3. Horny people
Which brings us to our next reason: Fort Lauderdalians are horny. They are hornier than a high school English class assigned to read 50 Shades of Grey. Hornier than Ron Jeremy during lent. Ft. Lauderdalians are hornier than Tiger Woods doing anything.
You might get lucky. But only if your definition of luck is waking up in between someone you don't recognize and a pizza crust.
2. Hot dog guys
In Greek mythology, the sirens were beautiful but dangerous creatures that lured sailors to their death with sweet songs and pretty faces.
Downtown Fort Lauderdale has sirens. They're not beautiful, and they don't sing. They cook meat.
And at 2 a.m., when you're at your lowest point of drunken hunger, they lure you towards their rocky shore with promises of pleasure.
2. You never know who you'll see
Both John Stamos and Jimmy Buffett have gotten drunk at the Bahia Cabana. And we're pretty sure Kim Kardashian stopped by Tarpon Bend once to use the bathroom.
You really never know who you'll see in Fort Lauderdale (but chances are they'll be eating a hot dog).
You know what they say. Fort Lauderdale is where the celebrities come to ask for directions to Miami.
Whether you're getting saucy in Himmarshee, or artsy in FAT Village, you'll find that -- much like the hot dog working it's way through your tummy -- things tend to stick together.
Almost everything is either a short drunken jog or a cheap cab ride away. Which is good, because you're always close to another hot dog.
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