Normally, we wouldn't be interested in much having to do with Adam Levine's Maroon 5 except finding out where he got that spinning chair he uses on The Voice.
Now, thanks to NBC's hit show and the musical mating of Levine and costar singer Christina Aguilera (similar to Satan impregnating some poor broad with the anti-Christ), there exists that ultra-earwig "Moves Like Jagger."
Then again, we can't hate on people paying homage to the quintessential chicken dancer himself. For 50 years, Jagger has strutted, tip-toe walked, kissy-faced, hair-tossed, hip-handed, and used all sorts of ridiculous poses to rank in every Top 10 All Time Front-Person list that us bloggers love so much.
Which got us thinking, if Jagger's chicken dancing can push his career through the stratosphere, what are some other awesome moves that could inspire song and admiration?
Popularized by: Henry Rollins and other really angry dudes.
For most bands, the finger point is the silent cue for roadies to find a particular girl in the audience to bring her backstage for later. But for anger-personified Henry Rollins, his finger-pointing holds a totally different meaning: accusations.
Behind that musclebound point is three decades' worth of hate, anger, and making sure that we know that in the eyes of Hank, we're all just worthless scum. Unless we have some money to give him. Then it's cool.
9. Jumping Splits
Popularized by: Diamond David Lee Roth
If the mountain of rock 'n' roll frontmen had a peak, Diamond Dave would be at the very top. Sex appeal, personality, singing chops, jumping skills, and an occasional use of assless chaps are all part of the majesty of the Church of Dave. While Jagger was one of the innovators of the rock 'n' roll frontman, Roth perfected the position and to this day has yet to be topped.
8. Playing With the Mic Stand
Popularized by: Steven Tyler
When not eating oranges, cantaloupe, grapefruit, and other large circular fruit in a single bite, Aerosmith's frontman has a flare for mic-stand dramatics. He throws it around, he twists it, he uses it as a cattle prod, and most notoriously uses it as a yo-yo with the help of the silky scarf that he so gently ties around it. Now that's masculine frontman sex appeal?
7. Cut Up
Popularized by: GG Allin
Didn't expect to see this guy on this list, huh? There is no bigger badass move than a lead singer finding a way to draw blood. That shows commitment to his craft that no chicken walk could ever match.
The true insanity of music is in applying this mentality outside of the music world. In the middle of a presentation on projected numbers on next year's Glo-coat profit margin, the vice president of operations for Johnson & Johnson takes a beer bottle, smashes it, and cuts open his chest, then has to go to the hospital for 15 stitches. The meeting goes over spectacularly; cheers for next week's meeting are heard down the hall. Thank God the forecast was positive!
Popularized by: '90s rap-metal bands
In 1997, Primus played in South Florida and up-and-coming act Powerman 5000 opened for them. The music was vomit-inducing to put it mildly, but oddly after every single song, lead singer Spider One (can't make this shit up) would shoot double finger pistols to the sky. Every single song. Every. One. And people wonder why rock music doesn't exist anymore.
5. Devil Horns
Popularized Invented by: Ronnie James Dio
RJD was the baddest frontman in the history of frontmen. One time, he ate a bear. He also had an affinity for hand gestures. The origins of his creation of the devil horns is murky at best. But according to legend, he once prayed to Satan, asking for a new gesture that held the power and might of the Devil himself. The lord Beelzebub then reached through Dio's dark soul and bestowed upon him the fingers that shall reminisce Lucifer's most awesome horns. And all was metal.
4. Playing With the Guitarists
Popularized by: Moments of boredom during guitar solos
On the outside, it looks like the lead singer is watching the impressively fast line of notes the guitarist is pumping out. He moves in looking closely at the strings, and the guitarist pulls back to show him. They go back to back, and the singer seems all so impressed by the guitarist's chops.
But in the lead singer's mind, he's counting down the seconds until he can finish off the song and get backstage to bang out with that cute blond in the front row. Trust us, after hearing the same solo for the 4,000th time, you're going to be looking for all sorts of crazy things to do to kill time also.
3. Angelic Skyward Glances
Popularized by: Robert Plant and Serj Tankian
Some philosophers have theorized that music is a direct path to the heavens, that God literally planted the very essence of Black Dog or Chop Suey! in a musician's soul so they could bring them forth to the masses. Of course, they're all just trying to get laid, so maybe that theory is shot to hell (especially in Robert Plant's case).
Either way, if any of this were true, then consider the skyward glance the musical version of a religious shoutout. Of course, as it's well-known, the glances should really be downward.
2. Running Across the Stage Like a Crazy Person
Popularized by: Axl Rose
It's easy to consider Axl Rose a crazy person, since, well, he is one. But back in the late-'80s, he was just one badass m'fer. He would run back and forth in cutoff jean shorts, big boots, flannel around his waist, and hair in a bandanna flying behind him as he crisscrossed from one side of stage to the other, yelling at the top of his lungs the entire time, turning red-faced from the amount of energy it took.
It's reminiscent of that kid tied to the jungle gym that Mike Myers played on Saturday Night Live. Except substitute cocaine for chocolate.
1. Hugging the Microphone
Popularized by: Layne Staley and Bono
This is such a lazy frontman move. At least Layne had an excuse since he had all that heroin pumped into his system. But what's Bono's excuse besides being a huge d-bag? Worst of all is that this is the current legacy of today's frontpersons. Do frontpeople do anything besides stand there, or maybe just hop around a little bit?
Well, at least we'll have memories of Jagger, who really moves like my grandfather now.