The 4-5 Tennessee Titans came into SunLife Stadium pretty much the worst defense, statistically. Until Sunday afternoon, they were on pace to set an NFL record for most points allowed in a single season.
Yet the Dolphins could manage only three points against them while turning the ball over four times.
Ryan Tannehill was intercepted three times, and Reggie Bush coughed up the football as well. The defense apparently dipped themselves in baby oil before the game, and the coaching staff seemed to think that benching the best player unlocked some kind of WINNING FOOTBALL code, because Bush didn't play for the majority of the first half.
The result was the proverbial waffledick defeat at the hands of one of the worst teams in the NFL in their own home stadium.
Meet the new Dolphins, same as the old Dolphins.
The Dolphins never even seemed to have a chance in this game. Bush fumbled on Miami's first offensive series, and the Titans took it from there, destroying the Fins on their way to handing them their worst loss since 1968.
Now, these are the Dolphins we all know and loathe. We've seen some monumental mountains of moose shit with this team over the years. Which means Sunday's shit wasn't only epic, it was historic and unprecedented. Like something weird. Like a moose shit a baby walrus.
The Dolphins defense hadn't given up a 100-yard rusher in 23 games. But Chris Johnson, who has been playing like taint all season long, showed up and blew the streak to smithereens to the tune of 126 yards.
As the Dolphins were setting themselves on fire with turnovers and penalties, Joe Philbin thought it would be a fantastic idea to bench Reggie Bush for the remainder of the first half after his fumble. Because nothing sends a message to your team as its getting the shit kicked out if it quite like benching the one guy who can make touchdowns better than pretty much anyone else on your team.
Ryan Tannehill, meanwhile, saw his six-week streak without an interception end when Colin McCarthy picked off a deflected pass and ran it back for a touchdown, giving the Titans a 21-0 lead.
Tannehill finished with a passer rating of 42.4.
So now the 4-5 Dolphins have three days to prepare for the 3-6 Buffalo Bills in an AFC East showdown of dick and balls teams on Thursday Night Football.
Thursday Night Football games have been as much fun as eating a bag of shit this whole season, so this one should be extra special.
After that, Miami has to prepare for the suddenly pretty fucking good Seattle Seahawks.
Just a few weeks ago, people were talking about how the Dolphins were playoff-bound and Jeff Ireland was suddenly a genius at his job. But now, after two straight losses and the teams' holes being exposed, things are right back to where they were before the season started.
The Dolphins are a mediocre team. No one should be shocked by this.
Yet, the Dolphins lose to an historically assed-up team, and it's like a shitbomb's been dropped.