Dwyane Wade Takes a Flamethrower To the Doubters, and Single-Handedly Destroys the Bulls
Dwyane Wade would like us all to talk to his ass.
After dealing with an annoying and painful bone bruise in his right knee, and playing like a shell of himself, it seemed that the whispers of his demise came stronger and harder than ever before.
We even suggested he should sit out last night's Game 5 against the Chicago Bulls to rest up for the Eastern Conference Finals.
The doubters came from everywhere, and as the game wore on, it was apparent Wade was drowning in pain and taking us all down with him.
But then, just when the Heat needed a jolt to close things out, Wade reminded everyone that he is an unflinching dynamo of ass-wreckage, and took a flamethrower to the Bulls, the haters, and the doubters.
Dwyane Wade's knee had morphed into an ass. And, as we pointed out in our last recap, it has sapped him of all his awesome D-Wadeyness. He's had no explosion, no first step, no ability to get around his defender. Wade has averaged 12.3 points on 43 percent shooting in the playoffs on that bum knee, and his trips to the free throw line have been non-existent.
In Game 5, with the Heat floundering, and giving up an 18-point lead, Wade was as immobile as ever. His shot was failing him, and he looked like he had balls of chains clamped to his ankles.
Through the first three quarters of the game, Wade was 4-for-10, as he sloshed through defenders and often had his shot clank off the rim.
But then he headed back into the locker to, as Erik Spoelstra put, "change his shoes" (LIAR!)
It was clear Wade went into the locker room to get his knee re-taped. It was also clear that he went into the locker room to sit and think about is the doom he was about to bring down on the Bulls and their fans.
Wade returned just as the Heat were making their last-gasp run to take back control of the game and send the Bulls back to their shit holes.
And, in the final five minutes of the game, Dwyane Wade became the wrath-filled, murderous embodiment of SHUT THE FUCK UP. To the haters, the doubters and, most importantly, all of Chicago.
He began things by reintroducing everyone to his patented testicle-smashing Euro step, by juking and jiving and leaving Rip Hamilton a smoldering pile of bones on his way to a sweet tear-drop runner.
Then, with three minutes left and the Heat clinging to a precarious lead, Wade was able to snatch a Norris Cole miss from out of the sky, and thunderbolt it down with the ferocity of a man who had had enough of the horsefuckery coming from the haters and doubters.
His legs suddenly free from the invisible shackles, Wade leapt over all the Chicago Bulls and flushed down the follow, shattering their will into a million pieces.
Wade shot 3-for-3 in that final frame, snatching three rebounds, blocking a shot, shutting down Jimmy Butler, and asking everyone to please speak clearly into his asshole.
In the end, he would finish with 18 points on 7-for-13 shooting, 5 rebounds, and 6 assists.
A narrative everyone has been repeating over and over is how the Bulls played with so much heart, even though they were injured.
No one was as injured as Wade. Noe even Derrick Rose.
An injured D-Wade merely came out, and put the Bulls out of their misery.
And, more to the point, he reminded everyone that he is Dwyane Wade and that the American Airlines Arena is his home and we should all stop putting tracking mud onto his floors and stopping up his toilet.
Said LeBron after the game: "I can go on and on about how great he is. I really don't care for the trash talk that he receives."
The Miami Heat now await the winner between the Indiana Pacers and New Your Knicks for the Eastern Conference Finals.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss New Times Broward-Palm Beach's biggest stories.
- Coast Guard Ends Search Missing Tequesta Teen Boaters; Families to Continue
Sun., Aug. 2, 1:05pm
Tue., Aug. 4, 6:35pm
Wed., Aug. 5, 6:35pm
Thu., Aug. 6, 6:35pm
- Anti-Flakka Campaign: "Don't Be a Guinea Pig"
- As of Today, Uber No Longer in Broward