Five Reasons Everyone Should Hate the Cleveland Browns
Photo by Morgan Coleman
You might be sitting there thinking, Why would I hate the Cleveland Browns? and for that, I don't blame you. They are rather anonymous in their sucking. They lurk in the shadows with their suckiness, winning three to five games every season, gobbling up top draft picks and then passing them through their digestive system like bad Indian food. The Cleveland Browns are exactly like the New England Patriots but in a parallel universe sort of way. They are like the Patriots in an upside-down, Stranger Things-type world.
So, why should Miami Dolphins fans enter this Sunday hating the Cleveland Browns more than ever before? There are many totally justifiable reasons you should consider.
5. Dolphins fans should hate the Cleveland Browns because of LeBron James, obviously.
Let us just get this out of the way so we can move on to other things: LeBron James lives and works in the city of Cleveland, so you should always root for the worst to happen there. Petty? You bet. Mature? Not at all. Justifiable after a glance at the Miami Heat's roster? You're damn right it is.
Anyway, hasn't the city of Cleveland seen enough winning this year? Do they really need a September win against the Miami Dolphins to throw on top of their pile of 2016 sports moments? Even the Indians had a good season this year.
4. The Browns made Manziel Mania so much worse than it had to be.
Johnny Manziel was destined to be a disaster, but the Browns made his epic bonfire of an NFL career so much worse. The Browns' lack of structure and overall incompetence are partially responsible for Manziel crashing and burning at such a rapid pace.
All we heard for two years was Johnny Manziel this and Johnny Manziel that, but it was all a joke because the Browns just threw him out there to get concussions every week simply because the owner demanded they draft him high. Now, he's just high.
3. The Browns hired and fired an LA Fitness personal trainer and nobody noticed.
Are we even certain the Browns hired an actual NFL coach, or is the man pictured above just a CrossFit instructor? His name is Mike Pettine, he used to be the Browns' coach, and he looks like the trainer at a place called Crunch. He could walk up behind you in Publix with some Muscle Milk wearing the windbreaker in the above photo and you would be like, Wow, that personal trainer guy is a Browns fan?
Pettine was always acting like a hard-ass during the week, and then when Sunday
2. The Browns are the only team that is worse at drafting players than the Dolphins.
The Browns being the worst at player personnel actually is bad for the Dolphins because it makes the Dolphins look smarter than they are. If the Browns weren't the absolute standard for stupid, the Dolphins might get less credit for being terrible at drafting players. Thus, we wouldn't have to give general managers five-year windows to make nothing happen.
If the Browns were just a little better than the worst, the Dolphins could be the worst, and then maybe we could all move on from terrible things like Jeff Ireland moving at a glacial pace.
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1. People from Cleveland are miserable and think they work harder than everyone else.
People who live in Cleveland honestly believe they are harder working and all-around better people than you. It's true! They will happily tell you this. Recently, a Cleveland sports radio host said as much in a rant that went viral in which he alluded to everyone in Miami living on the beach and driving sports cars. Is he stupid? WE CAN'T ALL
These people buy in to chants at games like "Hard Work, Together!" and "Earned, Not Given!" like they are all coal miners. Please. Half of those people work at Firehouse Subs or T-Mobile. Cleveland fans are the worst.
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