By now it should be fairly evident that this "Mayan Apocalypse" is not going to happen. The same way that Y2K and thousands of years of human bickering have not completely decimated the human race yet. Let's face it, those murderous Spaniards did the world a favor by crushing their empire quickly before they got started on the next disc of their cyclical calendaria and inadvertently gave us another 2012 full of nonsense Facebook posting and a platform for religious douchenozzles to step on.
But despite the impending apocalypses, we got down back in 1999 the way they got down in 1899, and every hundred years prior to that. The human race knows no limits to partying and excuses for partying. And since we are primarily a music blog and not a doomsday device, here's a little playlist to get tonight's party started right. So that, when you awaken, it's not in the underworld, but in the personal apocalyptic hell of some stranger's syphilitic lap.
10. Screaming Trees - "Subtle Poison"
The Screaming Trees marked the end of their tenure with SST Records with this album. This track in particular is all about walls closing in. Think about that while you're K-holed tonight, with tunnel-vision in full effect down a dark corridor, filled with well, whatever scares you most.
9. Johnny Thunders & The Hertbreakers - "Born To Lose"
If you weren't born to lose, why the fuck did you get out of bed today? To win? We assume the Maya thought differently and if Johnny's own demise in New Orleans is any indication, the end will not be pretty, by any standards.
8. RF7 - "Death is in the Air"
Nobody blends hardcore punk rock with bizarre Mexican religious iconography better than these long-running punkers. RF7 exists in a paranoiac void of extreme peyote intoxication and forced abortions. Where you see clear skies, they see the avenging Angel of Death. It doesn't matter if you kiss some ass.
7. R.E.M. - "It's the End of the World as We Know It"
For starters, they come from Georgia; they've already lost the war. And then you throw this overplayed but somehow always enjoyable tune in the mix and you have a mix that even Billy Joel tried to ape later in life after his supermodel problems, also known as 1%er problems.
6. Celtic Frost - "Into the Crypts of Rays"
While it is generally understood that Celtic Frost, them being Swiss and all, maintain a certain air of neutrality when it comes to mortal affairs, we've often wondered if death does not sound exactly like this song? If so, it is a death we welcome, for it would be a glorious death!
5. The Doors - "The End"
Gotta hand it to these guys, they've been claiming the end for decades! They provided the atmosphere for that movie so well you almost wish Heart of Darkness' audio book had that track running seamlessly in the background like the mighty Congo river.
4. Sigue Sigue Sputnik - "Love Missile F1-11"
If the end of times is anywhere near as silly as this, or as sci-fi as my catechism teacher swore, it would make perfect sense to have these goofy one-hit wonder assholes along for the ride. Why do we have a sudden urge to play an Atari 2600?
3, Johnny Cash - "The Man Comes Around"
I'll take prophecy as gospel only when dictated by the almighty Johnny Cash. When a murder of crows rises, expect the skies to darken. No salaam, no shalom. But when a suicide of slow-turners convenes for an eve's worth of recklessness and debauch, expect a 5 a.m. phone call. Who from? It'll have to wait until Saturday.
2. Prince - "1999"
If the apocalypse ever requires a makeover and/or a spokesperson, that person in charge would be Prince. Who else could glam up impending doom and get you thinking about soft thighs than this dude? Wardrobes excluded, every night should be a 1999 party. Tonight's no exception.
1. Rebecca Black - "Friday"
This poor girl has suffered so much, maybe even as much as we have suffered since this dropped when? A little over a year ago? The agony! While it was perfectly okay to demand "death" and stuff back then, we firmly believe that this track should serve as a rallying call to partiers everywhere like a "never forget" meme of sorts. If we survive the night, let's never fall for this type of thing again!
Party safely tonight, the same way you should every night because the Maya were wrong and the Grind forges along!