Laying down bars about the five-star three-course meal you just consumed with the foreign mistress you approved to ride shotgun in your Bugatti is no simple task. Well, actually, it's the simplest task in modern rap. But to do so in the raunchiest, most perverse, and glorified comedic way requires the talent and skill of Action Bronson.
On the track "No Time," the Flushing, Queens rapper recites, "I need a wifey tongue longer than Kakey/Shoot the gun right when I whistle/Plus she will never snake me/Do a split on my dick/If I'm sick, she'll even clean me if I shit my pants/So I'm taking her to France with me." See? Quality.
The big but athletic rapper was a gourmet chef who cooked for the New York Mets. But in his current role, he fills a void left by Ol' Dirty Bastard, Big Pun, and Redman with a voice reminiscent of Ghostface Killah.
Comedic performances in the '70s-inspired video for "The Symbol" and his latest, "Strictly 4 My Jeeps," rival Saturday Night Live sketches. He handles his live performances in a similarly boisterous manner, going the audacious route by abandoning the stage and rapping verses while spectators shove for an opportunity to embrace him and take pictures as evidence of that magical moment.
Bronsolino's latest effort, Saaab Stories, produced by Harry Fraud, follows its predecessors in providing old and new listeners with similarly gluttonous, Howard Stern-like filth. It has garnered him accolades, including recognition in XXL's Freshman Class of 2013, a distinction many observers see as coming a year late.
Bronson took time out prior to his Revolution Live performance this Saturday to talk about Asian women, staying healthy on the road, the modern New York sound, and what it would take to shave his beard.
New Times: Noisey recently released a video of you performing "Strictly 4 My Jeeps" at St. Hilda's East Community Centre and tweeting that it was the turning point in your performance career. Why?
Action Bronson: It was one of those performances that can't be relived. It's the best performance of my career. It was electrifying. The energy in that building, it was intense. You could cut it with a fucking machete.
Your love for Asian women is no secret to listeners. When was the last time you went to a "massage" parlor?
Probably within the last week or so.
How often are these visits?
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I usually like to talk and get a massage. I don't like the finisher. I don't like to get jerked off by a weird hand. I like my own hand, because I know what's up. They don't know what's up. They pound the balls and give you blue balls. It hurts.
We've seen some big, funny dudes like Big Pun, Chris Farley, and John Belushi pass away too early -- the last two due to drugs and Pun of a heart attack. With your love of food and being on the road, how health-conscious are you?
I'm quite healthy for a big man. I don't drink alcohol. All I do is I take medicine. I take the weed medicine. That's the only thing I do. I'm a very large man, but I eat a balanced diet and healthy diet. And it's not always disgusting shit, and it's not always overdoing it. I'm quite an athletic phenom.
Of course, I'm trying to keep myself together and lose weight. I haven't had a sip of soda in about a month. I'm just doing little things -- lifestyle changes. You know, going on the road so much you just do whatever, you eat whatever is there. It takes discipline.
How long do you think it will be until New Balance and Asics give you your own shoe?
I can't call it, man. It's about damn time, I'll tell you that much. We should drop both of them from Asics and New Balance. Let's see how big it will be.
What would it take for you to shave your beard?
I have to lose 70 pounds.
I don't know. It was the first number that popped up.
A lot of people complain that rappers out of New York now don't sound New York enough anymore, that they take too much from other regions of the country. Do you find it a necessity for New York to have one specific sound?
I mean, we always gotta have our identity, because you could tell what music from the Bay sounds like, what music from the South sounds like, what music from Texas in general sounds like, what music from Miami. These are very identifiable musics, and the fact that you can confuse a New York artist from where they're from, you know, it's somewhat troubling.
But at the end of the day, everyone is a different person. I sound like I'm from New York, don't I? I know Joey Badass does. A lot of people from New York right now sound like they're from New York. It's back in style again to sound like you're from New York.
You always get asked questions about being a chef and sounding like Ghostface. Doesn't it get old?
Obviously. It's the same shit over and over. I think people have heard it a million times. They don't really need to keep hearing the same thing, you know? Let's get inquisitive. Let's bring some journalism to the game here. Do some research, and ask me something interesting.
Action Bronson. 6 p.m. Saturday, August 17, at Revolution Live, 100 SW Third Ave., Fort Lauderdale. Tickets cost $26 in advance plus fees, $46 early entry, and $66 meet-and-greet. Call 954-449-1025, or visit jointherevolution.net.
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