Become Freddie Mercury in Five Easy Steps

​One of the burdens of living is that we all must work. At this moment, as you read this, you may be seated at a desk you would rather not be at, or you may be seated on a sofa, unemployed, wishing you were at a desk you would rather not be at. In either case, don't you think it would kick ass to be a rock star? At least until the lifestyle catches up with you and you spiral into all of the classic Behind the Music-type drama? Yeah?! Well, here's your chance.

In recognition of Queen's 40th anniversary, the band is taking the Queen Extravaganza on the road. It is striving to put on a show no less fantastic than Freddie and the boys did in their heyday. And guess what? They want you to "ditch the day job" -- or refrain from getting one -- and be in the band. Yes, instead of Queen playing minus Freddie Mercury, Queen drummer Roger Taylor is overseeing a contest to put together a Queen tribute band comprised of the most able Queen enthusiasts -- AKA "shit-hot vocalists and musicians." The contest began this week and will include two rounds of video auditions and a live final audition round in L.A. in early December. The contest is open to vocalists, guitarists, bassists, keyboardists, and drummers.

Think you've got what it takes? We believe you do. But we also think you could use a few pointers, especially if you're going for the Freddie Mercury position. So read on, then rock on, killer queens!

5. Mustache: the obvious place to start
If you're going for the Freddie role and you're going to do it Freddie style, you're going to need a really awesome mustache. There will be many, many mustaches competing in this contest, so you're going to have to be sure that yours will stand out. Freddie Mercury was a force of nature, and you could tell just by seeing his 'stache. The mustache is more than just lip décor; it has powers. Here is one technique to realizing your power 'stache that both males and females can use.

You want a 'stache like this?

Do this.

4. Oh no! You don't have thick, dark hair all over the rest of your body? Shave the cat!
Then glue the hair to yourself in the appropriate -- and inappropriate -- places. We think that there is something to the cat-hair approach to being Freddie Mercury. Do a quick Google image search for "Freddie Mercury cat" and you might join us in considering the possibility that Freddie was a cat hair harvester.

3. Show that you are uninhibited physically
You cannot be prude and non-Freddie at the same time. Shy about showing skin in public? Confront that fear by going grocery shopping or going to work in your stage attire. If you're unemployed and don't go to work or grocery shopping, just roll over to the New Times office and pretend that you work there. Tell them that the ghost of Freddie Mercury sent you.

2. You don't have to smoke cigarettes
Part of Freddie's character was his style of smoking cigarettes. Back in his time, there was something rugged yet refined about the way he smoked. These days, though -- and we'd like for everyone to acknowledge this right now -- there is nothing sexy or cool at all about smoking cigarettes. Everything about that activity stinks. Instead, you could daintily hold a carrot stick... and a cat (unless she isn't into it and splits). And if you're worried that you won't be able to achieve a similar vocal tone to Freddie's if you don't inhale noxious smoke, go spend a little time in just about any bar or club. Trust us, you'll be getting plenty second-hand.

1. Need more inspiration?
Revisit this classic scene. Aside from the lip-synching, this is a great example of an audition video. Plus it offers a great aspiration to help keep you in a winning frame of mind. Recite this often throughout the course of this contest: "Oh yes. It will be mine."

Best of luck!

*Thanks to Fluff for contributing to this post.

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Travis Newbill